What Christmas Means To Me- The Night Divine

This year with Christmas quickly approaching, and I in the Christmas spirit at long last, asked my husband if he had a favorite Christmas carol. To no surprise, I heard his usual, "You know I don't like Christmas music spiel" and realized he wasn't going to erupt into a chorus of Jingle Bells with me anytime soon. But I, still curious, and still in high Christmas spirit, asked a few others. After varying responses I came to the understanding that what I was asking was a more difficult question that I had anticipated. With so many choices, I might as well had asked someone 'what was their favorite food' or 'which band did they prefer'. For what ever reason (whether it be boredom, attention deficits, etc.)I spend a great amount of time thinking about things like this, and I have thought a lot about this particular question.
I can say, without a doubt, that my favorite Christmas carol is "O Holy Night". It's composition is delicate, yet powerful, and it is as deep as it is beautiful. I love it. I wish that I had a great singing voice (hey, I'd even take a mediocre one) so that I could belt this one out(Sometimes I do anyway, when no one is around). To me, the lyrics sum up what Christmas is all about: HOPE.
Here are the words:
O HOLY NIGHT
written by Placide Cappeau de Roquemaure
Composed by Adolphe Charles Adams

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

I love the distinctness of each verse and the messages they carry respectively.
The first verse describes the sorrows of the world and it's longing for a savior, and the joy when at long last He arrives! His birth means life, light, and worth for our souls. We rejoice because we no longer have to live in our darkness and shame! We now have the joy of "a new and glorious morn" no matter where we were before.

The second verse tells of the relationship between the world and it's Savior. He is our humble King, who is our friend in all things, yet he is holy, and worthy of our praise.

And finally, the third verse. (my favorite) This verse reminds us of our purpose. This is why he died for us and what he wants us to do as we live for him. To love one another as he loves us and as we love him. "His law is love, and his gospel is peace". I think we forget that more than anything else. Christmas is about putting away the weapons we pick up against each other all the time. It means forgiving those who cross us, and uniting in His love that is big enough to swallow us all up!

I hope this song's message of hope and beauty touches your heart in some small way (even if you do hate Christmas music!), because I just looove it :)

Anyway, there is my two cents. Merry Christmas, everyone!

The Secret of Darkness and the Danger It Poses

Whenever we have the unfortunate circumstance of enduring the tragedy and loss that a suicide brings, our first instinct is to ask, "Why did this happen?". At that moment it seems unfathomable that someone would take their own life in lieu of what they had and accomplished in life. However, statistics show that over 99% of us have thought about taking our own lives at some point or another. A friend reminded me today, that 'suicide is a permanent solution to the temporary problems of the world'. Please know, that in no way am I oversimplifying the causes of suicide or overlooking it's weight. Many of us have someone that we have lost to suicide, including myself. The motivating element that causes one to transition from thinking to doing is a powerful one. It is capable of engulfing one to the point where all light of hope and life are snuffed out. It blocks all other options save for the grim one it suggests. It causes you to forget all that you have and remember all that you don't. This darkness is dangerous, and all of us have it, at least a grain of it. Every single one of us have some type of darkness in our lives. It could be something we've done in our past, or something that plagues us on a constant basis. Everyone has a secret or two. Things that we'd rather not have anyone know about us. (This is the darkness I have referred to in previous posts). If we let these things remain in hiding in our hearts, they can quickly overcome us. Shame, fear, and guilt provide a solid breeding ground for our darkness. When we deem our secrets "too shameful to tell", we write death sentences for our souls. That darkness burgeons within us, it seeps into every fiber of our being until it is all we can see. I believe that it is at this point that one transitions from thinking about suicide to actually doing it.
But if we all have the capacity, how do we stop this? How to we prevent it from taking over us? We must vanquish the darkness by shining a light on it. Tell someone. If you are struggling with something or holding something back, tell someone about it. Talk to a trusted friend, pastor, counselor, or call the suicide help line. Keep trying until someone listens. Everyone needs help sometimes, and there is no shame taking it. It's easy to feel like you are the only one dealing with what you have going on, but IT IS NOT TRUE. We are never alone in our struggles, and the biggest part of the battle is accepting that and getting help. There is always hope, no matter how bleak a situation looks. We are all worthy of love and help. It is time to rise up and take a stand against this. It all starts with being a good friend. Being a good friend to yourself and get help, and be a good friend to people around you. Listen to others and NEVER take a problem or a friend who has talked about suicide lightly. By listening and confiding in each other, we can help save lives.

Resources:

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Helpline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

A Blog of Thanksgiving- My Cup Runs Over

More often than I should, I think about all of the things I don't have. I think about how small our house is, the Master's degree I'm lacking, the lack of $ to do and buy the things I want...etc. What I DON'T do enough is practice having a grateful heart for all of the generous blessings that have been bestowed upon me. So in this blog, in honor of Thanksgiving week, I want to reflect on all of the beautiful and wonderful ways I have been so richly blessed.
JESUS, THANK YOU FOR...
* My son, Luke. Thank you for giving me a healthy, beautiful child. Thank you for his little heart. Thank you for trusting me to care for him and to raise him to be a strong, brave man. My life has changed so much since the first time I met him. He had my heart with the first beat of his. Until my last breath, I will love him, fight for him, and cherish him. Thank you, Lord, so much for Luke.
* My husband, Michael. Thank you for bringing Michael into my life. Thank you for blessing me with a man with such a beautiful heart. Thank you for our marriage, I pray that it will be grounded in you. Thank you for giving us the ability to overcome obstacles together, and to accept and love each other for who we really are- (even if we are snoring cover hogs :D). Thank you for all the laughter in our marriage, it makes our life together so fun!
* My family and friends. I am lumping these two together, because friends are just family you choose. Thank you for each and every person in my life that I call a friend or family member. Thank you for bringing each person into my life intentionally. Thank you for these people who love Michael, Luke, and Myself. Thank you for this strong network that holds my hand when I'm scared, wipes my tears when I'm sad, speaks truth to me when I am surrounded by lies, and who celebrates with me in times of joy. Thank you for letting the bonds between us be stronger than the conflicts we have with one another. Thank you for all of them!
* Nature & Beauty. Thank you for the beauty of the Earth. Thank you for the connection between my soul and your creation. Thank you for changing leaves, snowy mountain tops, deep azure waters, and quiet, clear nights. Thank you for the way each aspect of nature whispers to my heart and leaves me in awe of its creator.
* Life and purpose. Thank you Jesus for life. Thank you for the breath in our lungs and the vigor in our bodies. Thank you for speaking us into being. Thank you for giving each of us a purpose and a direction. Thank you for the call you have placed on my life and for never letting me settle for anything else. Thank you for the talents and gifts you have given me that will allow me to make a difference for you and in others' lives. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for the mistakes and failures in my life, and for allowing me to learn and grow from them.
* Love, and all things good. Thank you Lord, for all things good. Thank you for light to counter darkness, for love that overcomes fear, for laughter that transforms tears, and for the sheer, perfect miracle that is hope. Hope, no matter how small, is big enough to stand against the evils in this world, and it paves the way for love to vanquish them.
* YOU. Most of all, I am thankful for you, Jesus. None of the previous things would be here if it weren't for you. Thank you for loving me unwaveringly, even when I don't love myself. Thank you for looking into all of my darkness, selfishness, and imperfections, and choosing to die for me anyway. I don't always have it right, in fact, I think I have it wrong way more than I have it right most of the time! But still, there you are. You brought me out of all the muck I was in. You were my friend when I had no one, my strength to get out of bed in the morning, when I couldn't. You have healed the deep wounds of my heart, you have restored my joy. Thank you. Because of you, I will never, ever be the same. I know that doesn't shine through who I am as much as I want it to, but thank you for having patience with this work in progress! I love you. Thank you for everything.

Out of the Ashes

I received the sad news today that a childhood friend of mine has died. He was in his early twenties and in good health. I haven't seen him in a few years, but I hurt deeply for the loss and for the loss his family is suffering. I am becoming increasingly aware that I hurt deeply when anyone dies, whether I knew them or not. It shakes me to the fibers of my innermost being to see someone in pain. I started imagining what his family must be going through. I think about his mom, and the hell she is going through. I put myself in her position. I can see her going through his room, smelling his clothes, looking at pictures of him. I can see her remembering his first breath, his first step...and I can see the pain in her eyes when she realizes she will never hold him in her arms again, or hear his laugh...It's images like this that haunt me. They comprise my deepest, paralyzing fear: the fear of loss. Sometimes the fear of losing my husband or my son consume me. They stop me in my tracks and they arrest my breathing. I think it's safe to say I have an issue with death. It's not the actual dying part, because I've been told just as much as everyone else, that when you die, if you believe in Jesus, you go to Heaven. I know this, and I really do believe it, and it's not the person dying I feel so sorry for. It's those who are left behind, who's whole world has been shaken up. It is part of who I am to really love people. When you are in my life, I knit your heart to my own. When I imagine that seam tearing so abruptly,the pain seems too much to take. If it happened to me, how would I carry on? In my mind I see myself hopeless, abandoned, and destroyed. However, God sees something different, and this is what he revealed to me today-
Matthew 6:25-34 addresses worrying. He says that worrying does not add a single hour to life. His promise is that if I seek first his kingdom and righteousness, all of my worries will be taken care of.
Isaiah 61 is what has given me the most comfort. It's a passage about captives being set free. Isaiah speaks about his anointing and his purpose. He announces the arrival of the "Year of God's Grace". He promises the captives beauty for their ashes, joy for their pain, and a praising heart instead of a languid spirit. He calls them "Oaks of Righteousness", planted by God to display his glory.

My heart was so comforted when I read these passages. They remind me that God is good, and he loves fiercely. He takes care of his children. He frees me from the bonds of fear. He has given me a purpose and has called me to live my life to serve him. This is the time of His grace and goodness. Though bad things will happen, and pain will come, he will not leave me in the ashes of mourning.I can take comfort that my lips will be filled with praise again. He will bring beauty and joy out of the darkness. He is my hope. He will make me an Oak of Righteousness. He will set my roots to run deep, so that the storms of life will not tear me down. I am planted here to display the glory of the Most High God! Therefore, I will not worry, I will not fret. I will trust God with my life, and the lives of those around me. He works out everything for his good, and he is worthy of my trust.

So, today, I pray for comfort for Matt's family. I pray that peace will come over them, and that God will bring them out of the ashes. And when he does, I pray that God will rebuild their lives and bring more beauty and joy to them than they could ever know.

Just A Glimpse

I think that the love of God is both something unfathomable and under-appreciated by humanity. It's under-appreciated because it is so difficult to grasp the concept of pure, perfect love. I am on a quest to love like Jesus, and I can tell you, the more and more I study how He loved, the harder it sounds and the harder it is to do so. The word love is thrown around so much these days, that it seems to have lost a great deal of its weight. True love is not easy.It is not a fleeting feeling, but a conscious, sacrificial act that is ongoing and willfully done. It's denying your own needs and putting someone else before you. It's a joyful giving of one's self. And it can be very hard to love someone who hurts you, crosses you, ignores you, or even hates you. There are so many people in my life who are showing me how to love like Jesus, and I am so thankful for them. However, there is one particular person in my life right now that is teaching me what the love of God looks like from a perspective I've never had before- my son. I became a mom in March and it has been the most wonderful, frustrating, humbling, exhausting, and beautiful experience of my life. Michael and I really didn't know what to expect as first time parents (I don't really think anyone does, even if you did read all the books). Luke has already taught us so many things, like patience, perseverance, and how to clean the house in 20 minutes flat. But most of all, this child is teaching me how to love like Jesus. As I held him in my arms tonight, I began to think about how much I loved this little boy. When his chubby little fingers close around mine, when he stares at me with those big blue eyes, and when he smiles and squeals in delight, I get a glimpse. Just a tiny glimpse of how much God really loves us. My heart overflows with love for my son. I don't think anything he could ever do would change that. He is beautiful and precious to me. I want only the best for him, and I want him to learn all he can, so that he may grow up and be a strong and wise man of God. And when I think about all the things I love and want for my son, I realize God wants the same things for His children. He knows what it's like to be a parent. We are beautiful and precious to him. He wants the best for us. There is nothing we can do that will ever separate us from his love. His heart overflows with love for us, so much that he died for us. If anyone knows about sacrificial love, its Him. He is intrinsically love. It's funny to think that the most powerful love I feel for my son, is only a small glimpse, a poor reflection, of God's love. And yet, I go against him all the time. I put myself first, and him last. He knows all of my dark secrets and still loves me with that unfailing love. wow. I am simply overwhelmed at his beauty.

C.S. Lewis said, "Christ didn't die for us because we're worth dying for, but because He is intrinsically love, and loves infinitely."

Well said, Sir, well said.

Pity party, table for one/ He is jealous for me

I had one major pity party for myself tonight. I woke up this morning like I normally would, had my devotion while Luke napped, and I went on with my day. However as the day progressed I found myself more and more annoyed with everything. I went to a department store and tried on some clothes for an event I wanted to attend this weekend. It was supposed to be a night out with my husband and friends and I wanted to look nice. I was going to be around a lot of pretty, young people and I wanted to look my best. (you know, something other than Michael's tee shirts and spit up) As I tried on more and more things, the more my excitement dwindled. I looked terrible. Nothing fit right, and I was very unhappy with the person staring back at me in the mirror. A small voice inside of me was getting louder and louder. It was saying "You're disgusting, fat, and worthless. You'll never be good enough, why try?" By the time 7pm hit, I was under the sheets bawling my eyes out. The voice was booming over me as if someone was holding a loud speaker next to me. What started out as a desire for a night out had turning into a full-blown battle within my soul. What was I to do? I prayed. I asked God to bind these lies and the one who tells them. I praised Him for who he is and what He has done for me. I would like to say that I magically felt better and I am now sitting here happy and confident as I get ready for bed. Well, I can't say that. I'm not there yet, but I have hope that I will be able to stamp this lie out once and for all. As long as I cling to the simple truth: He is jealous for me. He loves me, He wants me, He thinks I'm enough, and He suffered and died for me. My worth is not determined by the way I look in a pair of jeans, it's determined by who resides within my heart. 1 Samuel 16:7b "The Lord does not see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

Growing Pains

I have been growing a lot as a person over the past few months. I realize that by saying that I instantly put myself under a microscope, but it's the truth. In my own way and in God's own time, I'm growing. I haven't truly realized how much I have digressed over the last two years or so. I some how got two total lies in my head and I've held onto them as truth: 1. God cannot be trusted with my life, 2. I don't want to be a Christian and a hypocrite, so it's better for me to not "act" like a Christian at all. What started out as mere ideas snowballed into the mantras of my life. As a result, I have allowed myself to run rampant, without any personal conviction or accountability, and in doing so, I've missed out on all of the peace and purpose that walking with God offers. I'll be the first to say that Holly-God= not so good. I have been such an angry, anxious, deceptive person. I haven't kept my temper and impulsiveness in check, and thus I have hurt people. It makes me sad to say that, because It is truly my heart's desire to love people perfectly. I reached a point a few weeks ago where I realized that I cannot handle things on my own. I didn't like what I was becoming and I felt utterly helpless and I sought to repair broken relationships and to assuage the guilt I felt within. It was then I had an honest conversation with my Father. I told him that I didn't feel like I could trust him because I was so afraid of what I stood to lose in an earthly sense. I told him how insecure and worried I felt, and how I didn't really feel worthy of love anyway. The essence of my prayer was simple, it came from Hebrews 3: "Lord if I hear your voice today, I will not harden my heart as I did in my rebellion". In my devotions that I started again (first time on a regular basis in about 2 years) answered me with this: "God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I cleaned up my act he gave me a fresh start. Indeed, I have kept alert in God's ways; I haven't taken God for granted. Everyday I review the way God works, I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes." 2 Samuel 22: 21-25. Those verses are what I am now seeking to do. I don't want to miss a trick and I don't want to be away from Him again. So I begin again the long road to growth, fixing things that are not easy to fix, and swallowing my pride almost hourly. I cannot control what others around me think or say about me. I can't make them see the depths of my heart and know I am sincere. I know the risks of what I can be labeled as, but still I must go on. I have to fix my eyes on what is unseen, for he is eternal and lasting. He sees the very darkness that lurks in my heart and still chose to die for me. I refuse to rebel against a love like that anymore. I have to do what's right, and I have to face these growing pains with his grace, and submit myself to the refining fire, no matter what. It's my souls purpose and it's true desire, and I must be a lamb that will follow her master, even to the ends of the earth.

Griffin, The Sea Turtle

Last night I was watching the local news and I saw a story about a sea turtle named Griffin, who had a stoke and forgot how to dive. I thought that was so sad, but very interesting at the same time. For some reason the thought never occurred to me that sea turtles,or any other animals for that matter could have strokes. I mean, I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise since sea turtles contain a lot of the basic brain functions that we do. It made me think about a few things I remember from some of the Psych courses I've taken. Like, there has been some research that suggests elephants form attachments similar to the way humans do, and they even mourn their dead. And hamsters and humans have similar auditory cortices. I think we spend a lot of time differentiating between humans and animals, and we don't always pay attention to how we are similar. I didn't intend for this to turn into a soapbox for animal rights, but hey,next time you're driving down the road and see a turtle trying to cross, think of Griffin and try to (SAFELY!!) avoid the little guy if you can.

Et tu Holly?

Yes, me too. I have decided to start a blog. I have recently come to the realization that I am a total dinosaur. I go to bed before 10p.m., I find 60 minutes sort of interesting, and I have been determined to avoid blogging at all costs. I guess the reason behind my anti-blog attitude is that I don't feel my thoughts are as interesting to others as they are to me. So why plague the Internet with them? But as a friend pointed out, I have a unique perspective on things. I can see and think of things that are so far out of the box, you'll have to take a plane and two trains to get back to the box. I suppose a perspective like that could be some-what amusing. We'll see, eh? That is all for now. I will post when random things occur to me.