Growing Pains

I have been growing a lot as a person over the past few months. I realize that by saying that I instantly put myself under a microscope, but it's the truth. In my own way and in God's own time, I'm growing. I haven't truly realized how much I have digressed over the last two years or so. I some how got two total lies in my head and I've held onto them as truth: 1. God cannot be trusted with my life, 2. I don't want to be a Christian and a hypocrite, so it's better for me to not "act" like a Christian at all. What started out as mere ideas snowballed into the mantras of my life. As a result, I have allowed myself to run rampant, without any personal conviction or accountability, and in doing so, I've missed out on all of the peace and purpose that walking with God offers. I'll be the first to say that Holly-God= not so good. I have been such an angry, anxious, deceptive person. I haven't kept my temper and impulsiveness in check, and thus I have hurt people. It makes me sad to say that, because It is truly my heart's desire to love people perfectly. I reached a point a few weeks ago where I realized that I cannot handle things on my own. I didn't like what I was becoming and I felt utterly helpless and I sought to repair broken relationships and to assuage the guilt I felt within. It was then I had an honest conversation with my Father. I told him that I didn't feel like I could trust him because I was so afraid of what I stood to lose in an earthly sense. I told him how insecure and worried I felt, and how I didn't really feel worthy of love anyway. The essence of my prayer was simple, it came from Hebrews 3: "Lord if I hear your voice today, I will not harden my heart as I did in my rebellion". In my devotions that I started again (first time on a regular basis in about 2 years) answered me with this: "God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I cleaned up my act he gave me a fresh start. Indeed, I have kept alert in God's ways; I haven't taken God for granted. Everyday I review the way God works, I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes." 2 Samuel 22: 21-25. Those verses are what I am now seeking to do. I don't want to miss a trick and I don't want to be away from Him again. So I begin again the long road to growth, fixing things that are not easy to fix, and swallowing my pride almost hourly. I cannot control what others around me think or say about me. I can't make them see the depths of my heart and know I am sincere. I know the risks of what I can be labeled as, but still I must go on. I have to fix my eyes on what is unseen, for he is eternal and lasting. He sees the very darkness that lurks in my heart and still chose to die for me. I refuse to rebel against a love like that anymore. I have to do what's right, and I have to face these growing pains with his grace, and submit myself to the refining fire, no matter what. It's my souls purpose and it's true desire, and I must be a lamb that will follow her master, even to the ends of the earth.