Losing Control, Gaining Faith

I am a control freak.
The end.
Wasn't that a great blog?



No, but really. I feel like I have to control as much of my life as humanly possible, and that includes the people in it. I constantly inflict my will upon others (sometimes when they don't even know it). I don't do this to be mean or manipulative on purpose. I promise! I deeply love everyone in my life, which is why I do it. I read Donald Miller's blog today entitled "In Life Move Through the Fear Rather Than Around it".

You can read it here.

He pointed out something that I should have known all along...fear is the motivator for control in my life. I am constantly afraid of so many things. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, 100+ fears cross my mind.  
What if Luke gets hurt?
What if Michael does not love me anymore?
What if I get in a car wreck?

It is exhausting being scared all the time. It zaps my faith and makes me withdraw my trust. I trust no one. In my mind, suddenly everyone and everything I love transforms into someone or something that could potentially hurt me.
But Mr. Miller suggested something revolutionary- move through the fear, instead of around it.
No longer should I tiptoe around trying to avoid everything that could hurt me. I should stop trying to control people and situations in my life because as DM says, "Control will always backfire later".
He goes on to say that truly strong people can admit their fears, while scaredy cats just cover their fears up and fake their way through. That is no way to live at all, and it is not how I want to live.
So, in lieu of my new found enlightenment, here is a comprehensive list of all the fears I can think of that have crossed my mind today.

I am afraid of....
losing someone I love
having a miscarriage on our second baby (in the future, there is not one in there now, so don't get excited yet)
Michael cheating or leaving me
not having any friends
getting terminally ill
being paralyzed
not finding a job
sucking at my chosen job
not being a good enough mom
my brothers getting hurt when they join the military
burglars
getting raped
someone hurting Luke
dying in a horrific car wreck
getting pulled over by a cop (yes, I am terrified of police)
failing at anything
being stupid
snakes
getting divorced
pushing Michael away with my craziness
what people think of me
Michael losing his job
our house catching on fire

I have been up since 6:30, and these are the things that have crossed my mind since then. Toting all of these around all day is really crippling, and covering them up with controlling behaviors is even more so. When I try to control my life, I end up pushing people away and isolating myself. I desperately long for connection and friendship, but I always keep myself guarded. I know the freedom that comes with truth and vulnerability, but for some reason I cannot always relinquish my control.

“We are a culture that hides our fears, and when people hide their fears, they don’t connect. And so we shoot ourselves in the foot because what we most want is security and security comes through connection.” –Donald Miller

  
I don't want to be afraid anymore and I want to live my life. I want peace, and love, and joy. Life will always have it's peaks and valleys. There is nothing I can do about that. But what I can do, is admit my fears, trust, and stop being afraid all the time. Fear has robbed me of so much joy, and if it continues, I will not have truly lived at all. So, if you are in the same boat (and are constantly wondering if may not have a leak in it, omg) then I want to encourage you to wade through your fears as I begin to wade through mine. It may be tough, but it is the shortest way through, and it makes all the difference in the world.

Walk Like an Ephesian

Shamefully, I must admit I have done it again. I've ran back to that filthy old ratty beanbag chair that is my old self. No wonder I feel so miserable and crabby lately. How do I always get back here? I have snuggled deep down into my selfishness, anger, insecurity, and cynicism. I've picked up the dirty blanket of old habits and covered myself up. I am once again, easily frustrated, doubtful, and swearing like a sailor. Seriously, how did I get back here? I am supposed to be a child of light, so why am I now suddenly singing "Hello darkness, my old friend"? I get so disgusted with myself when this happens. I fall off the wagon. Some how living according to the will of God has become to scary and I retreat like a wounded animal, full of mistrust. The problem is that it all starts with a tiny little concession. Then another. Then another. Finally, I am spiraling downward at an alarming pace, rendering me ineffective for God and totally miserable as a human being. So how do I put an end to this spiritual 'Dr. Jekyll, Mrs. Hyde charade? I'm going to start living out Ephesians 4-5. There is so much wisdom on living a godly life in those two chapters. This morning, I broke down the two chapters into "life lessons for walking like an Ephesian should". Here is some of what I got:
1.Live a life worthy of your calling
2. Be humble, gentle, and patient, regarding one another with love.
3.Put off your old self and adopt a new self and a new godly attitude (BIG for me)
4.Take your place among the body of Christ
5.Get rid of all anger and bitterness, greed, obscenity, and brawling (AGAIN ME)
6.Build others up, don't tear them down, and don't talk about people
7.Don't let Satan get a grip
8.Replace obscenities and dirty jokes with words of praise and thanksgiving
9. Live wisely, making the most out of every opportunity
10. Discover God's will and stick to it
11. Let your heart always sing and be joyful with praises to God: worship with your life
12. Do not steal, but work hard so you can give to others in need

These are hard things to do, but with God's grace, I can slowly start up the mountain again and continue. Forward motion is such a hard thing to maintain on my own. As soon as I start climbing, I listen to that voice that says, "It is too risky to keep going" instead of clinging harder to my Lifeline, the Lover of my Soul, who saw me and knew me before my birth, and who's mercy gives me each breath I take.
So here I go again, thankful that God is one of second chances (and 4ths and 5ths), taking it day by day. It won't be easy, but nothing worth anything in life ever is.
Today, I will trust in you, Jesus. Today, I will walk like an Ephesian. I won't tear anyone down, but lift them up instead. I won't lash out in anger, but react in love. I will keep my tongue and heart in check, and do my best to live my life worthy of what you have for me to do. Please give me the grace and strength to follow you, even when I become afraid.

"Jesus, purify me in your fire.
Burn me up, til I can see.
Jesus, purify me in your fire.
Burn me up, til I believe."
-David Crowder Band

Diverging Roads and Everlasting Arms

Counselors and advisers often ask the question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I think it is supposed to give some sort of idea about the goals we have for ourselves, but it is such a loaded question, isn't it? Does it REALLY matter where I see myself? If you had come to me at 18 and asked, "Where do you see yourself this time next year?" The answer would NOT have been, "Oh, I'll be married of course!" But that's what happened. Likewise, I wouldn't have been able to tell you where I'd be living or how many children I would have by now. The thing is- I am pretty stinking clueless about what the future holds! Yes, I do have some goals that I am working toward, and ideally I would like to meet those within a five year period or so, but really, when it comes down to it, I have no definite plan....and that scares me! I do not like to be sans plans! I want to know what's around the river bend, Pocahontas!
But I don't, and there is nothing I can do about it. Well...I guess that's a lie. I COULD worry. I COULD freak out. I COULD spout off the admissions statistics for PhD programs, or look at the sad state of our country and make some predictions. OR... I can trust in my God, my Best Friend, who created me and the path I walk. Yes, that seems like the best option. Right now, I am at such a crossroads in my life. I am not really sure which way will lead me to where, but I know He holds the future. He has brought me this far, and he will carry me the rest of the way if I trust him.
I was reading Luke 1 the other day and I came across this beautiful gem from Elizabeth speaking to Mary about the impending birth of Jesus-

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45

Can I just say AMEN?! I LOVE that! Blessed is she who really believes and trusts what God has said to her. I want to be that she! I want to be that beloved daughter of the Most High who truly and completely believes her God when he tells her of the plans He has for her life! I want there to be no room for doubt, fear, or scary statistics, because I want my heart to overflow with trust and love for my Creator.

"For I know the plans I have for you; declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Most of us have heard that verse over and over, but do we REALLY believe it? Do I really believe it? Yes. Yes! I do. I choose to believe what the Lord has said to me will be accomplished. He has said clearly to me that I am to be a counselor, and I trust that He will see me down this path, no matter what it looks like. His plans are so much higher than our own, and if we are obedient, we will see them to fruition and it will be so much better than we could ever imagine!

I leave you with two lyrics from two of my favorite hymns that solidify this idea in my soul-

"Oh, how sweet to walk in the pilgrim way,
Leaning on the everlasting arms,
Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
Leaning on the everlasting arms"
- Leaning On The Everlasting Arms

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word,
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, thus saith the Lord"
-Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus

Much More Muchness (Than I Could Ever Imagine)

Lately I have been watching Louie Giglio's sermons online from Passion City Church. (You can follow this link and do the same, if you'd like.)

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Today, I watched called "More Than Enough". It caught my eye I think because I have always struggled with feelings of inadequacy. I have a deep-rooted fear that I am not 'smart enough' and therefore I won't fulfill my dream of becoming a psychologist. I am always afraid I am not 'pretty enough', and therefore can't measure up to my husband's (and others') expectations. Even now as I write this, I can hardly believe the amount of fears I have that center around insufficiency.
I am not
'a good enough person'
'a good enough Christian'
'a good enough mom'
'a good enough friend'
'a good enough wife'

These insecurities eat me alive. They inject their poison into my heart, leaving me defeated, afraid, and alone before I even get started. How can I ever make a difference in anyone's life when I am so clearly lacking in every way? The answer is simple, but it is solid as stone and a thousand times as resilient.

HE is more than enough.

The proof is in John chapter six. He takes a little boy's lunch and feeds 5,000, with food to spare. He walked on water in the middle of a storm to meet his disciples. When challenged to produce something more miraculous than the manna that fell from Heaven every day for 40 years to feed the Israelites, He says that HE is the Bread of Life. Manna could not be kept over night because it would spoil, but Jesus says anyone who comes to him will no longer hunger or thirst.
Why? Because HE is enough, HE satisfies, He is the Bread of Life. When the people asked how they could receive the Bread of Life, he replied, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent".

If your life is like mine, then you are constantly plagued with fear and mistrust. Fear says "you cannot go that far or believe that much". It laughs in your face and tells you "you can NEVER do that. you are nothing!"

But Jesus says, "Yes, you can."
Yes, I can. Why? Because although I am inadequate, He is more than adequate, and when the storm of my insecurities rage and whirl around me, and I think I am about to be swallowed up, Jesus is there in the midst of it all, walking over it, using those challenges as if they were a pathway straight to me.
He meets us where we are.
He satisfies. And when he shows up in my mess and muck, he fills that void within me and makes me enough because HE is ENOUGH.

Romans 11:36 says, "For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen."

All things come from God, He holds the world in his hands, and all things will return to Him in the end. He IS enough. God is so much bigger than our problems and our fears.

I love the terminology that comes from the movie, "Alice in Wonderland". When Alice returns to (Underland) there is confusion about who she really is. When she tells them that she is Alice, The Mad Hatter tells her that she has "lost her muchness." He goes on to say that she "used to be much more muchier than this". I can identify with this. I often feel like I have lost my muchness. When I let problems and fears work their way into my heart. But I have come to realize that my muchness does not come from other people, companies, universities...etc. My muchness comes from the Holy One of God, and he gives much more muchness than I could ever imagine!

So today, I cling to his promise. I believe in him with all my heart, and I believe that today, He is enough for me, and through him I can do anything. No fear is too much, no problem is too big, because He. Is. Enough.

You Say You Want a Resolution..

It is a beautiful start to 2012! I am so excited for what this year holds. I don't typically formally make New Year's resolutions, but I was giving the subject a lot of thought this morning. I made a list of six things I'd like to achieve (with God's grace, because I will need LOTS of help!).
(Note: These are not in any particular order, all are equally important to me!)

1. BE MORE AWARE OF NOT ONLY WHAT GOES INTO MY BODY, BUT WHAT GOES INTO MY MIND AND HEART AS WELL.
"Junk in, junk out"- that's what I've always been told, and it is so true. I took a little break from watching what I eat over the holidays and I completely indulged myself. My goal was to just enjoy food and family, but at times, I digressed into an all-out binge on junk food. And let me tell you, I felt like total crap the next day! I think this principle applies to what goes into my mind and heart too. I want to have healthy positive thoughts, so that I can offer the same to others I talk to. I want to embrace truth, love, hope, and joy in my heart, so I can pour that out onto everyone I meet. This goal is about being healthy and happy in every way I can, as far as I have control. For me, this means no more pity parties, trashy tv shows, or pointing out every flaw I find in myself. Instead, I want to gracefully accept my failures and try harder, read more books that enrich my mind and soul, and embrace who I am, just how I am : an imperfect person on a long journey.

2. BE JOYFUL, ALWAYS.
For a self-proclaimed worry-wart like me, this is a toughy. But my goal for this year is to be as joyful as possible, as much as possible. Life is so rich and has so much to offer. I want to look deep into every situation and find that lovely, silvery lining within. If "life is too short to be anything but happy", then it is WAYYYY too short to be anything but joyful. So when Luke dumps food all over my nice, clean floor, I want be joyful and glad that I can provide my son with food, and that I even have a floor of a house to clean! Being pessimistic does no good, and it only makes situations worse. So, this year, I will choose to be more joyful.

3. GIVE OTHERS THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
This is something I constantly struggle with, because I can be a really critical person sometimes. My road rage is out of this world. I always assume the other person is driving recklessly to deliberately hurt me! (how ridiculous is that??) I tend to assume others only have the worst intentions. This needs to change! I want to give others the benefit of the doubt, to be an advocate for positive human nature, and be more forgiving and even tempered as a result.

4. GAIN WISDOM.
It is my life's goal to be a wise person. But I feel like the more I search for it, the more I realize I have to learn. I want wisdom from it's very source- the mouth of God. So it is my goal this year to "seek wisdom as silver, search for her as for hidden treasures" (Proverbs 2:4) I want a thirst and hunger for wisdom, so that I can gain discernment and make godly choices this year.

5. ACCEPT THAT THINGS WON'T ALWAYS MEET MY EXPECTATIONS, OR, JUST GO WITH IT!
At times, my expectations exceed the realm of possibility, especially if I put special effort into making sure everything is perfect! I try to plan the perfect vacations, make perfect grades, and have everything in impeccable working order. Nine times out of ten, something always goes wrong (thanks a lot Murphy). I usually get so upset and it ruins the entire experience for me, but I hope that will change this year. I need to learn to just go with it. I need to be more flexible! Just because it rains one day on vacation, I shouldn't let that steal the fun from the whole trip! I think this goes back to the joy thing. I want to be joyful even when things aren't perfect, because they never will be! It's the 10 mins of bliss here, and hour there, that add up to make life beautiful. I want to find those and hold on to them instead of the times things didn't go according to plan.

6. HAVE FAITH AS BIG AS A MUSTARD SEED.
This is a biggie for me because faith involves trust. And if you have known me for more than a second, you know I have some serious trust issues. But God never falters, and he never lets me down, but yet, my faith is microscopic or non-existent at times. Faith is a lifeline; a rope that carries us through life as long as we cling to it. In times of despair, the rope looks thin and miniscule, but it is still as strong as twenty ropes woven together. I think this is what Jesus meant when he told us we only need faith as big as a mustard seed to move mountains. For that little bit of faith to accomplish such a feat it must be some highly concentrated stuff!!! So my goal for this year is to let go of my doubts and cling to faith at all times, knowing no matter how small the tether may seem, it is strong enough to carry me through.

So there you have it. My list of resolutions to bring me closer to God, family, friends, community, and myself! I know none of these will be easily obtained, but that makes them all the more worth while. Happy New Year, may you be blessed in 2012!

:)