For those of you who know me, you know I do not do well with surprises. I am notorious in my family for trying to peek into gift bags at Christmastime. Everyone knows to put my gifts in boxes, all sealed and wrapped up tight, otherwise, I will sneak in and peek!
After I found out I was pregnant, my sister-in-law approached me with the idea of throwing a gender reveal party for my husband and I. Although it sounded like fun, (and I did agree to it) I wasn't so sure about the catch: I couldn't know the sex of my baby until it was revealed at the party.
You see, I like to know what is coming at all times. I am the person who meticulously plans my life out, leaving no detail to chance.
I can't tell you how many times I have prayed the prayer "God, reveal what you have for me".
I just want to know. No surprises, God, just tell me what is up.
Fortunately, and also rather unfortunately sometimes, that is not the way God works.
At the beginning of this year, I really felt God telling me that this will be "the year of faith for me", and boy, was it. In fact, it still is. I have always had an issue with faith; with trusting my fate to God. I would do really well for awhile, but when things started looking rocky, I quickly take that control back over my life, saying, "that's not really where I planned to go, God, but thanks anyway".
Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)
But God......I just want a little peek! Come on, just one won't hurt. You say things will be ok, but I want to KNOW they will. I need to, you know how I am! I have to know.....and could you hurry up please? I have things to do.
Well, thank God I do not have as much control as I think I should, or I would miss out on something great.
I had a specific plan for my life this year. I was going to get pregnant, do my internship, graduate in December, and get a job...all before January 1st. Well...that plan didn't happen. It took us a little longer to get pregnant that what I originally anticipated, and after a very difficult four months, my graduation has been pushed back to May 2014. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn't disappointed, and even devastated at times.
Why. God, Why? It was all planned out so perfectly. What was so wrong with my plan?
The answer: my plan wasn't His. You see, God had a plan all along for me. He took the time to carefully orchestrate it and see that it was carried out, and if I would have had things the way I planned, I would miss out on something wonderful....something far better that I could ever imagine...I would miss THE BIG REVEAL. Just like at the gender reveal party, the moment I got to tear into that box and get my first glimpse of pink balloons was far sweeter than I could have ever devised. It was beautiful and perfect. That moment was far better than anything I could have anticipated, and it is the same with God's purposes. I can't always understand why the path I am traveling takes unexpected twists and turns, but I can KNOW without a doubt at all, that God is in it and through it. I can know that even though I cannot see the end of the road or the final outcome of a situation, that His big reveal is immeasurably more than I could ever ask for or imagine.
So today, instead of mourning my lost plan, I will rejoice in His. I will hold on to the hope I profess, because I am sure that big reveal is coming for me. I will be joyful for others whose big reveals are coming to pass now, and I will stay vigilant in prayer for those whose big reveals are yet to come like mine.
My best advice to anyone going through something tough: hold onto hope. Not everything always makes sense, and sometimes life hurts, but we serve a God who makes things out of nothing; who makes all things work together for our good. Just wait, your big reveal is coming, as is mine, and what a glorious day that will be!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Saturday, June 22, 2013
A Letter to Luke
Below is an excerpt from the journal I am keeping for my son Luke. I wrote this in the face of some disappointments I am dealing with right now. They seem petty in the big scheme of things, but they are deeply affecting my own concept of worth and competence. The words flowed onto the page after a particularly needed and uplifting talk with my Granddaddy. He offered his perspective and loving advice, both of which come from years of experience and wisdom. So the following is a culmination of his advice, my words, and God's truth. I want these words to reach Luke in the future, when he feels like he is in the darkest of places. I wrote it to encourage him, but to also encourage myself. Everything detailed here is what I am trying to wrap my head and heart around now too.
June 22, 2013
The purpose of this journal is to not only document how you are growing up, but to also record the ways in which I am growing up too. Because one day Luke, you will be at the place in your life where I am now. You see, growing up can be painful. Sometimes it's so painful that you cannot see anything but your own pain and disappointment. Every emotion is so overwhelming; you may think they will never pass, but my darling boy, it will. You may need someone to remind you of that from time to time (and that's okay). God puts people in our lives for a reason. He allows them to go through rough patches, not because he is unfair or uncaring, but because these trials produce a wellspring of character and experience. Being an adult is hard, Luke. This is something you will discover all too soon. It is a series of successes and disappointments; holding on and letting go; pure joy and debilitating pain. The key is to trust. Trust God. He holds the universe and time in his hands. He sees you and knows you intimately. Trust him with reckless abandon. Sometimes letting go is the only way to stay afloat. Sometimes it's so hard to see his purposes, especially when we hurt so very much. But you must have faith, even when you can't understand, and keep hope, even when you cannot see, because the light WILL come. The pain will pass, and you will know a strength like you've never known before, because it is God who is using your weakness to show his strength. Hold on, my love, this too will pass. Joy will come in the morning. Don't give up hope, keep fighting the good fight. And wen you find yourself in the position I am now, remember me. Your mother, with all her faults, failures, and fears came through. Not because of her own strength, but because of HIS.
I love you, my son.
Mom
June 22, 2013
The purpose of this journal is to not only document how you are growing up, but to also record the ways in which I am growing up too. Because one day Luke, you will be at the place in your life where I am now. You see, growing up can be painful. Sometimes it's so painful that you cannot see anything but your own pain and disappointment. Every emotion is so overwhelming; you may think they will never pass, but my darling boy, it will. You may need someone to remind you of that from time to time (and that's okay). God puts people in our lives for a reason. He allows them to go through rough patches, not because he is unfair or uncaring, but because these trials produce a wellspring of character and experience. Being an adult is hard, Luke. This is something you will discover all too soon. It is a series of successes and disappointments; holding on and letting go; pure joy and debilitating pain. The key is to trust. Trust God. He holds the universe and time in his hands. He sees you and knows you intimately. Trust him with reckless abandon. Sometimes letting go is the only way to stay afloat. Sometimes it's so hard to see his purposes, especially when we hurt so very much. But you must have faith, even when you can't understand, and keep hope, even when you cannot see, because the light WILL come. The pain will pass, and you will know a strength like you've never known before, because it is God who is using your weakness to show his strength. Hold on, my love, this too will pass. Joy will come in the morning. Don't give up hope, keep fighting the good fight. And wen you find yourself in the position I am now, remember me. Your mother, with all her faults, failures, and fears came through. Not because of her own strength, but because of HIS.
I love you, my son.
Mom
Thursday, January 17, 2013
2013: The Year of Faith
I am writing this post today because I feel God really wants to teach me something about Faith this year. I have heard it clearly in my heart: '2013 is the year of faith for you'. I have a hard time with faith. For me, it is easy to have faith for a little while, but if I don't see what I am waiting for pretty soon, I get discouraged and start to doubt God even said it in the first place. Over the past few months, God has said two or three very direct things that will come to pass in my life. The problem is, I haven't seen them come to fruition yet, and I am wondering if I just imagined all of it. In those times of doubt, there is a small voice within me that says these truths:
His sheep know the voice of the Shepherd.
He makes all things work together for my good.
Peace is the presence of God.
Faith is believing God is present when all we hear is silence.
When I think about what God wants for me right now, I see the image of an old oak tree: tall and strong, with roots reaching deep into the earth. It is not moved by storms or drought, instead it reaches deeper with it's roots. It searches and finds the nourishment it needs. That image leads me back to this passage in Isaiah 61 (which is titled in my Bible "The Year of the Lord's Favor")
" The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
This passage reminds me that Jesus is the great and wise Counselor. He touches the broken hearts and brings healing, comfort, and joy. His gospel is of love and peace. I am an Oak of Righteousness, planted by God to display his splendor. Right now, my roots are not as deep as they should be, and when I see signs of a coming storm, I quake in fear. But this year I am proclaiming it as the year of the Lord's favor in my life. I will heed his words and instruction and reach deep for the well of the living water. I want to be able to stand against the injustice and evil in this world. I want to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. I want my life to be a tapestry of faith, woven with both joy and pain, with the threads of peace and perseverance, so when it is complete and my time is done, it will display the majesty and splendor of my God. It won't be easy, and I am very far from perfect (any of my family can surely attest to that). But nevertheless, I hear my Shepard loud and clear, and I will follow him, even though I do not know exactly what the path may hold for me. That is where faith comes in- knowing he is with me no matter how treacherous or empty the road may seem, and having peace through his presence.
"So don't throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:35-39
So this will be my journey; my New Year's resolution of sorts. To put my trust in Him and let him grow me, mold me, and strengthen me- to have faith, even when I cannot see or understand, and to believe that what God has said to me will be so.
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45
Prayers are graciously appreciated in this, because, oh boy am I am worrier.
Oh, and a swearer. That needs to stop too. If I say a bad word around you, please call me on it.
Thanks! :)
His sheep know the voice of the Shepherd.
He makes all things work together for my good.
Peace is the presence of God.
Faith is believing God is present when all we hear is silence.
When I think about what God wants for me right now, I see the image of an old oak tree: tall and strong, with roots reaching deep into the earth. It is not moved by storms or drought, instead it reaches deeper with it's roots. It searches and finds the nourishment it needs. That image leads me back to this passage in Isaiah 61 (which is titled in my Bible "The Year of the Lord's Favor")
" The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
This passage reminds me that Jesus is the great and wise Counselor. He touches the broken hearts and brings healing, comfort, and joy. His gospel is of love and peace. I am an Oak of Righteousness, planted by God to display his splendor. Right now, my roots are not as deep as they should be, and when I see signs of a coming storm, I quake in fear. But this year I am proclaiming it as the year of the Lord's favor in my life. I will heed his words and instruction and reach deep for the well of the living water. I want to be able to stand against the injustice and evil in this world. I want to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. I want my life to be a tapestry of faith, woven with both joy and pain, with the threads of peace and perseverance, so when it is complete and my time is done, it will display the majesty and splendor of my God. It won't be easy, and I am very far from perfect (any of my family can surely attest to that). But nevertheless, I hear my Shepard loud and clear, and I will follow him, even though I do not know exactly what the path may hold for me. That is where faith comes in- knowing he is with me no matter how treacherous or empty the road may seem, and having peace through his presence.
"So don't throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:35-39
So this will be my journey; my New Year's resolution of sorts. To put my trust in Him and let him grow me, mold me, and strengthen me- to have faith, even when I cannot see or understand, and to believe that what God has said to me will be so.
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45
Prayers are graciously appreciated in this, because, oh boy am I am worrier.
Oh, and a swearer. That needs to stop too. If I say a bad word around you, please call me on it.
Thanks! :)
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