Below is an excerpt from the journal I am keeping for my son Luke. I wrote this in the face of some disappointments I am dealing with right now. They seem petty in the big scheme of things, but they are deeply affecting my own concept of worth and competence. The words flowed onto the page after a particularly needed and uplifting talk with my Granddaddy. He offered his perspective and loving advice, both of which come from years of experience and wisdom. So the following is a culmination of his advice, my words, and God's truth. I want these words to reach Luke in the future, when he feels like he is in the darkest of places. I wrote it to encourage him, but to also encourage myself. Everything detailed here is what I am trying to wrap my head and heart around now too.
June 22, 2013
The purpose of this journal is to not only document how you are growing up, but to also record the ways in which I am growing up too. Because one day Luke, you will be at the place in your life where I am now. You see, growing up can be painful. Sometimes it's so painful that you cannot see anything but your own pain and disappointment. Every emotion is so overwhelming; you may think they will never pass, but my darling boy, it will. You may need someone to remind you of that from time to time (and that's okay). God puts people in our lives for a reason. He allows them to go through rough patches, not because he is unfair or uncaring, but because these trials produce a wellspring of character and experience. Being an adult is hard, Luke. This is something you will discover all too soon. It is a series of successes and disappointments; holding on and letting go; pure joy and debilitating pain. The key is to trust. Trust God. He holds the universe and time in his hands. He sees you and knows you intimately. Trust him with reckless abandon. Sometimes letting go is the only way to stay afloat. Sometimes it's so hard to see his purposes, especially when we hurt so very much. But you must have faith, even when you can't understand, and keep hope, even when you cannot see, because the light WILL come. The pain will pass, and you will know a strength like you've never known before, because it is God who is using your weakness to show his strength. Hold on, my love, this too will pass. Joy will come in the morning. Don't give up hope, keep fighting the good fight. And wen you find yourself in the position I am now, remember me. Your mother, with all her faults, failures, and fears came through. Not because of her own strength, but because of HIS.
I love you, my son.
Mom
Beautifully said, Holly. When we are young, mostly we play and have fun and our biggest disappointments is when we cant have a toy in the toy store or when we want to play a little longer in the sprinkler but it's time to come in. As we age, it becomes more about relationships, and the hurt that is caused by people. After that, it's the reality that life is more complex that we ever knew. it's like the biggest superhighway in the world, packed jammed with cars, trucks, bikes, motorcycles, semi's, all crowding on to the super highway, trying to change lanes, trying not to crash, once in a while getting waves in line by a fellow traveler and sometimes getting the finger from another. That is life and when you have that many vehicles all vying for the same lane, the fast lane, there are bound to be jams, and crashes, pile ups and sometimes fatal ones. There's rain to contend with, slick highways, thunder and lightning, hailstorms, all while we are vying for a lane on the superhighway. We doge and we miss, sometimes we hit and miss. But we have the radio, we have the fellow in the car next to us smiling once in a while, we have the sunny days, and so we focus on the good as much as we can. I think, for a mom, the hardest lesson we have to learn is that we cant protect our family from everything on the highway. Try as we might, we can't. We cant protect our feelings all the time, or that of loves ones. We cant get through without disappointment and questions, never endng questions that seemingly have no answer. At 62, I still search, I still realize how much I don't know. But as time goes on, much of it doesnt matter any more. All that matters is that we do our best with the information we have at the time. All that matters is that we come to understand, as you have done, that the Lord Jesus Christ lived His every day for you and for me, giving us a glimpse, through His WORD, how to live and how to pray, how to raise children, how to love. You are doing all of that and you are doing a beautiful job. You are an amazing Mom on the superhighway with Luke strapped into his seatbelt as you drive along in the midst of a storm. Clouds eventually move out of the way and you and Luke come into the sunshine, together....because you were careful and deliberate and you drove slowly, he was buckled in and you have Jesus who, you will learn in the end, as I am still coming to terms with, has been driving that car for you all along!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am always here for you, sweet girl. ALWAYS here for you. That's what Jesus has asked us to do for one another. I love you.
Miss Shirley
Holly! I love you and your brave, transparent heart! Thank you for sharing this with us. We learn so much from each other's struggles and joys. And, I LOVE that you are keeping this journal for Luke. What a gift!
ReplyDeleteMrs. Shirley! Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. I am so grateful for the way you love us and pour into our lives. You are a true Titus woman. I am grateful beyond words and so blessed to be part of this community of women. I love you both!