Just A Glimpse

I think that the love of God is both something unfathomable and under-appreciated by humanity. It's under-appreciated because it is so difficult to grasp the concept of pure, perfect love. I am on a quest to love like Jesus, and I can tell you, the more and more I study how He loved, the harder it sounds and the harder it is to do so. The word love is thrown around so much these days, that it seems to have lost a great deal of its weight. True love is not easy.It is not a fleeting feeling, but a conscious, sacrificial act that is ongoing and willfully done. It's denying your own needs and putting someone else before you. It's a joyful giving of one's self. And it can be very hard to love someone who hurts you, crosses you, ignores you, or even hates you. There are so many people in my life who are showing me how to love like Jesus, and I am so thankful for them. However, there is one particular person in my life right now that is teaching me what the love of God looks like from a perspective I've never had before- my son. I became a mom in March and it has been the most wonderful, frustrating, humbling, exhausting, and beautiful experience of my life. Michael and I really didn't know what to expect as first time parents (I don't really think anyone does, even if you did read all the books). Luke has already taught us so many things, like patience, perseverance, and how to clean the house in 20 minutes flat. But most of all, this child is teaching me how to love like Jesus. As I held him in my arms tonight, I began to think about how much I loved this little boy. When his chubby little fingers close around mine, when he stares at me with those big blue eyes, and when he smiles and squeals in delight, I get a glimpse. Just a tiny glimpse of how much God really loves us. My heart overflows with love for my son. I don't think anything he could ever do would change that. He is beautiful and precious to me. I want only the best for him, and I want him to learn all he can, so that he may grow up and be a strong and wise man of God. And when I think about all the things I love and want for my son, I realize God wants the same things for His children. He knows what it's like to be a parent. We are beautiful and precious to him. He wants the best for us. There is nothing we can do that will ever separate us from his love. His heart overflows with love for us, so much that he died for us. If anyone knows about sacrificial love, its Him. He is intrinsically love. It's funny to think that the most powerful love I feel for my son, is only a small glimpse, a poor reflection, of God's love. And yet, I go against him all the time. I put myself first, and him last. He knows all of my dark secrets and still loves me with that unfailing love. wow. I am simply overwhelmed at his beauty.

C.S. Lewis said, "Christ didn't die for us because we're worth dying for, but because He is intrinsically love, and loves infinitely."

Well said, Sir, well said.

Pity party, table for one/ He is jealous for me

I had one major pity party for myself tonight. I woke up this morning like I normally would, had my devotion while Luke napped, and I went on with my day. However as the day progressed I found myself more and more annoyed with everything. I went to a department store and tried on some clothes for an event I wanted to attend this weekend. It was supposed to be a night out with my husband and friends and I wanted to look nice. I was going to be around a lot of pretty, young people and I wanted to look my best. (you know, something other than Michael's tee shirts and spit up) As I tried on more and more things, the more my excitement dwindled. I looked terrible. Nothing fit right, and I was very unhappy with the person staring back at me in the mirror. A small voice inside of me was getting louder and louder. It was saying "You're disgusting, fat, and worthless. You'll never be good enough, why try?" By the time 7pm hit, I was under the sheets bawling my eyes out. The voice was booming over me as if someone was holding a loud speaker next to me. What started out as a desire for a night out had turning into a full-blown battle within my soul. What was I to do? I prayed. I asked God to bind these lies and the one who tells them. I praised Him for who he is and what He has done for me. I would like to say that I magically felt better and I am now sitting here happy and confident as I get ready for bed. Well, I can't say that. I'm not there yet, but I have hope that I will be able to stamp this lie out once and for all. As long as I cling to the simple truth: He is jealous for me. He loves me, He wants me, He thinks I'm enough, and He suffered and died for me. My worth is not determined by the way I look in a pair of jeans, it's determined by who resides within my heart. 1 Samuel 16:7b "The Lord does not see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

Growing Pains

I have been growing a lot as a person over the past few months. I realize that by saying that I instantly put myself under a microscope, but it's the truth. In my own way and in God's own time, I'm growing. I haven't truly realized how much I have digressed over the last two years or so. I some how got two total lies in my head and I've held onto them as truth: 1. God cannot be trusted with my life, 2. I don't want to be a Christian and a hypocrite, so it's better for me to not "act" like a Christian at all. What started out as mere ideas snowballed into the mantras of my life. As a result, I have allowed myself to run rampant, without any personal conviction or accountability, and in doing so, I've missed out on all of the peace and purpose that walking with God offers. I'll be the first to say that Holly-God= not so good. I have been such an angry, anxious, deceptive person. I haven't kept my temper and impulsiveness in check, and thus I have hurt people. It makes me sad to say that, because It is truly my heart's desire to love people perfectly. I reached a point a few weeks ago where I realized that I cannot handle things on my own. I didn't like what I was becoming and I felt utterly helpless and I sought to repair broken relationships and to assuage the guilt I felt within. It was then I had an honest conversation with my Father. I told him that I didn't feel like I could trust him because I was so afraid of what I stood to lose in an earthly sense. I told him how insecure and worried I felt, and how I didn't really feel worthy of love anyway. The essence of my prayer was simple, it came from Hebrews 3: "Lord if I hear your voice today, I will not harden my heart as I did in my rebellion". In my devotions that I started again (first time on a regular basis in about 2 years) answered me with this: "God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I cleaned up my act he gave me a fresh start. Indeed, I have kept alert in God's ways; I haven't taken God for granted. Everyday I review the way God works, I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes." 2 Samuel 22: 21-25. Those verses are what I am now seeking to do. I don't want to miss a trick and I don't want to be away from Him again. So I begin again the long road to growth, fixing things that are not easy to fix, and swallowing my pride almost hourly. I cannot control what others around me think or say about me. I can't make them see the depths of my heart and know I am sincere. I know the risks of what I can be labeled as, but still I must go on. I have to fix my eyes on what is unseen, for he is eternal and lasting. He sees the very darkness that lurks in my heart and still chose to die for me. I refuse to rebel against a love like that anymore. I have to do what's right, and I have to face these growing pains with his grace, and submit myself to the refining fire, no matter what. It's my souls purpose and it's true desire, and I must be a lamb that will follow her master, even to the ends of the earth.