The end.
Wasn't that a great blog?
No, but really. I feel like I have to control as much of my life as humanly possible, and that includes the people in it. I constantly inflict my will upon others (sometimes when they don't even know it). I don't do this to be mean or manipulative on purpose. I promise! I deeply love everyone in my life, which is why I do it. I read Donald Miller's blog today entitled "In Life Move Through the Fear Rather Than Around it".
You can read it here.
He pointed out something that I should have known all along...fear is the motivator for control in my life. I am constantly afraid of so many things. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, 100+ fears cross my mind.
What if Luke gets hurt?
What if Michael does not love me anymore?
What if I get in a car wreck?
It is exhausting being scared all the time. It zaps my faith and makes me withdraw my trust. I trust no one. In my mind, suddenly everyone and everything I love transforms into someone or something that could potentially hurt me.
But Mr. Miller suggested something revolutionary- move through the fear, instead of around it.
No longer should I tiptoe around trying to avoid everything that could hurt me. I should stop trying to control people and situations in my life because as DM says, "Control will always backfire later".
He goes on to say that truly strong people can admit their fears, while scaredy cats just cover their fears up and fake their way through. That is no way to live at all, and it is not how I want to live.
So, in lieu of my new found enlightenment, here is a comprehensive list of all the fears I can think of that have crossed my mind today.
I am afraid of....
losing someone I love
having a miscarriage on our second baby (in the future, there is not one in there now, so don't get excited yet)
Michael cheating or leaving me
not having any friends
getting terminally ill
being paralyzed
not finding a job
sucking at my chosen job
not being a good enough mom
my brothers getting hurt when they join the military
burglars
getting raped
someone hurting Luke
dying in a horrific car wreck
getting pulled over by a cop (yes, I am terrified of police)
failing at anything
being stupid
snakes
getting divorced
pushing Michael away with my craziness
what people think of me
Michael losing his job
our house catching on fire
I have been up since 6:30, and these are the things that have crossed my mind since then. Toting all of these around all day is really crippling, and covering them up with controlling behaviors is even more so. When I try to control my life, I end up pushing people away and isolating myself. I desperately long for connection and friendship, but I always keep myself guarded. I know the freedom that comes with truth and vulnerability, but for some reason I cannot always relinquish my control.
“We are a culture that hides our fears, and when people hide
their fears, they don’t connect. And so we shoot ourselves in the foot because
what we most want is security and security comes through connection.” –Donald Miller
I don't want to be afraid anymore and I want to live my life. I want peace, and love, and joy. Life will always have it's peaks and valleys. There is nothing I can do about that. But what I can do, is admit my fears, trust, and stop being afraid all the time. Fear has robbed me of so much joy, and if it continues, I will not have truly lived at all. So, if you are in the same boat (and are constantly wondering if may not have a leak in it, omg) then I want to encourage you to wade through your fears as I begin to wade through mine. It may be tough, but it is the shortest way through, and it makes all the difference in the world.
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