2013: The Year of Faith

I am writing this post today because I feel God really wants to teach me something about Faith this year. I have heard it clearly in my heart: '2013 is the year of faith for you'. I have a hard time with faith. For me, it is easy to have faith for a little while, but if I don't see what I am waiting for pretty soon, I get discouraged and start to doubt God even said it in the first place. Over the past few months, God has said two or three very direct things that will come to pass in my life. The problem is, I haven't seen them come to fruition yet, and I am wondering if I just imagined all of it. In those times of doubt, there is a small voice within me that says these truths:

 His sheep know the voice of the Shepherd.

He makes all things work together for my good.

 Peace is the presence of God.

Faith is believing God is present when all we hear is silence.

When I think about what God wants for me right now, I see the image of an old oak tree: tall and strong, with roots reaching deep into the earth. It is not moved by storms or drought, instead it reaches deeper with it's roots. It searches and finds the nourishment it needs. That image leads me back to this passage in Isaiah 61 (which is titled in my Bible "The Year of the Lord's Favor")

" The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3

This passage reminds me that Jesus is the great and wise Counselor. He touches the broken hearts and brings healing, comfort, and joy. His gospel is of love and peace. I am an Oak of Righteousness, planted by God to display his splendor. Right now, my roots are not as deep as they should be, and when I see signs of a coming storm, I quake in fear. But this year I am proclaiming it as the year of the Lord's favor in my life. I will heed his words and instruction and reach deep for the well of the living water. I want to be able to stand against the injustice and evil in this world. I want to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. I want my life to be a tapestry of faith, woven with both joy and pain, with the threads of peace and perseverance, so when it is complete and my time is done, it will display the majesty and splendor of my God. It won't be easy, and I am very far from perfect (any of my family can surely attest to that). But nevertheless, I hear my Shepard loud and clear, and I will follow him, even though I do not know exactly what the path may hold for me. That is where faith comes in- knowing he is with me no matter how treacherous or empty the road may seem, and having peace through his presence.

"So don't throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:35-39

So this will be my journey; my New Year's resolution of sorts. To put my trust in Him and let him grow me, mold me, and strengthen me- to have faith, even when I cannot see or understand, and to believe that what God has said to me will be so.

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45

Prayers are graciously appreciated in this, because, oh boy am I am worrier. 

Oh, and a swearer. That needs to stop too. If I say a bad word around you, please call me on it.
Thanks! :)



 

Losing Control, Gaining Faith

I am a control freak.
The end.
Wasn't that a great blog?



No, but really. I feel like I have to control as much of my life as humanly possible, and that includes the people in it. I constantly inflict my will upon others (sometimes when they don't even know it). I don't do this to be mean or manipulative on purpose. I promise! I deeply love everyone in my life, which is why I do it. I read Donald Miller's blog today entitled "In Life Move Through the Fear Rather Than Around it".

You can read it here.

He pointed out something that I should have known all along...fear is the motivator for control in my life. I am constantly afraid of so many things. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, 100+ fears cross my mind.  
What if Luke gets hurt?
What if Michael does not love me anymore?
What if I get in a car wreck?

It is exhausting being scared all the time. It zaps my faith and makes me withdraw my trust. I trust no one. In my mind, suddenly everyone and everything I love transforms into someone or something that could potentially hurt me.
But Mr. Miller suggested something revolutionary- move through the fear, instead of around it.
No longer should I tiptoe around trying to avoid everything that could hurt me. I should stop trying to control people and situations in my life because as DM says, "Control will always backfire later".
He goes on to say that truly strong people can admit their fears, while scaredy cats just cover their fears up and fake their way through. That is no way to live at all, and it is not how I want to live.
So, in lieu of my new found enlightenment, here is a comprehensive list of all the fears I can think of that have crossed my mind today.

I am afraid of....
losing someone I love
having a miscarriage on our second baby (in the future, there is not one in there now, so don't get excited yet)
Michael cheating or leaving me
not having any friends
getting terminally ill
being paralyzed
not finding a job
sucking at my chosen job
not being a good enough mom
my brothers getting hurt when they join the military
burglars
getting raped
someone hurting Luke
dying in a horrific car wreck
getting pulled over by a cop (yes, I am terrified of police)
failing at anything
being stupid
snakes
getting divorced
pushing Michael away with my craziness
what people think of me
Michael losing his job
our house catching on fire

I have been up since 6:30, and these are the things that have crossed my mind since then. Toting all of these around all day is really crippling, and covering them up with controlling behaviors is even more so. When I try to control my life, I end up pushing people away and isolating myself. I desperately long for connection and friendship, but I always keep myself guarded. I know the freedom that comes with truth and vulnerability, but for some reason I cannot always relinquish my control.

“We are a culture that hides our fears, and when people hide their fears, they don’t connect. And so we shoot ourselves in the foot because what we most want is security and security comes through connection.” –Donald Miller

  
I don't want to be afraid anymore and I want to live my life. I want peace, and love, and joy. Life will always have it's peaks and valleys. There is nothing I can do about that. But what I can do, is admit my fears, trust, and stop being afraid all the time. Fear has robbed me of so much joy, and if it continues, I will not have truly lived at all. So, if you are in the same boat (and are constantly wondering if may not have a leak in it, omg) then I want to encourage you to wade through your fears as I begin to wade through mine. It may be tough, but it is the shortest way through, and it makes all the difference in the world.

Walk Like an Ephesian

Shamefully, I must admit I have done it again. I've ran back to that filthy old ratty beanbag chair that is my old self. No wonder I feel so miserable and crabby lately. How do I always get back here? I have snuggled deep down into my selfishness, anger, insecurity, and cynicism. I've picked up the dirty blanket of old habits and covered myself up. I am once again, easily frustrated, doubtful, and swearing like a sailor. Seriously, how did I get back here? I am supposed to be a child of light, so why am I now suddenly singing "Hello darkness, my old friend"? I get so disgusted with myself when this happens. I fall off the wagon. Some how living according to the will of God has become to scary and I retreat like a wounded animal, full of mistrust. The problem is that it all starts with a tiny little concession. Then another. Then another. Finally, I am spiraling downward at an alarming pace, rendering me ineffective for God and totally miserable as a human being. So how do I put an end to this spiritual 'Dr. Jekyll, Mrs. Hyde charade? I'm going to start living out Ephesians 4-5. There is so much wisdom on living a godly life in those two chapters. This morning, I broke down the two chapters into "life lessons for walking like an Ephesian should". Here is some of what I got:
1.Live a life worthy of your calling
2. Be humble, gentle, and patient, regarding one another with love.
3.Put off your old self and adopt a new self and a new godly attitude (BIG for me)
4.Take your place among the body of Christ
5.Get rid of all anger and bitterness, greed, obscenity, and brawling (AGAIN ME)
6.Build others up, don't tear them down, and don't talk about people
7.Don't let Satan get a grip
8.Replace obscenities and dirty jokes with words of praise and thanksgiving
9. Live wisely, making the most out of every opportunity
10. Discover God's will and stick to it
11. Let your heart always sing and be joyful with praises to God: worship with your life
12. Do not steal, but work hard so you can give to others in need

These are hard things to do, but with God's grace, I can slowly start up the mountain again and continue. Forward motion is such a hard thing to maintain on my own. As soon as I start climbing, I listen to that voice that says, "It is too risky to keep going" instead of clinging harder to my Lifeline, the Lover of my Soul, who saw me and knew me before my birth, and who's mercy gives me each breath I take.
So here I go again, thankful that God is one of second chances (and 4ths and 5ths), taking it day by day. It won't be easy, but nothing worth anything in life ever is.
Today, I will trust in you, Jesus. Today, I will walk like an Ephesian. I won't tear anyone down, but lift them up instead. I won't lash out in anger, but react in love. I will keep my tongue and heart in check, and do my best to live my life worthy of what you have for me to do. Please give me the grace and strength to follow you, even when I become afraid.

"Jesus, purify me in your fire.
Burn me up, til I can see.
Jesus, purify me in your fire.
Burn me up, til I believe."
-David Crowder Band

Diverging Roads and Everlasting Arms

Counselors and advisers often ask the question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I think it is supposed to give some sort of idea about the goals we have for ourselves, but it is such a loaded question, isn't it? Does it REALLY matter where I see myself? If you had come to me at 18 and asked, "Where do you see yourself this time next year?" The answer would NOT have been, "Oh, I'll be married of course!" But that's what happened. Likewise, I wouldn't have been able to tell you where I'd be living or how many children I would have by now. The thing is- I am pretty stinking clueless about what the future holds! Yes, I do have some goals that I am working toward, and ideally I would like to meet those within a five year period or so, but really, when it comes down to it, I have no definite plan....and that scares me! I do not like to be sans plans! I want to know what's around the river bend, Pocahontas!
But I don't, and there is nothing I can do about it. Well...I guess that's a lie. I COULD worry. I COULD freak out. I COULD spout off the admissions statistics for PhD programs, or look at the sad state of our country and make some predictions. OR... I can trust in my God, my Best Friend, who created me and the path I walk. Yes, that seems like the best option. Right now, I am at such a crossroads in my life. I am not really sure which way will lead me to where, but I know He holds the future. He has brought me this far, and he will carry me the rest of the way if I trust him.
I was reading Luke 1 the other day and I came across this beautiful gem from Elizabeth speaking to Mary about the impending birth of Jesus-

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45

Can I just say AMEN?! I LOVE that! Blessed is she who really believes and trusts what God has said to her. I want to be that she! I want to be that beloved daughter of the Most High who truly and completely believes her God when he tells her of the plans He has for her life! I want there to be no room for doubt, fear, or scary statistics, because I want my heart to overflow with trust and love for my Creator.

"For I know the plans I have for you; declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Most of us have heard that verse over and over, but do we REALLY believe it? Do I really believe it? Yes. Yes! I do. I choose to believe what the Lord has said to me will be accomplished. He has said clearly to me that I am to be a counselor, and I trust that He will see me down this path, no matter what it looks like. His plans are so much higher than our own, and if we are obedient, we will see them to fruition and it will be so much better than we could ever imagine!

I leave you with two lyrics from two of my favorite hymns that solidify this idea in my soul-

"Oh, how sweet to walk in the pilgrim way,
Leaning on the everlasting arms,
Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
Leaning on the everlasting arms"
- Leaning On The Everlasting Arms

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word,
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, thus saith the Lord"
-Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus

Much More Muchness (Than I Could Ever Imagine)

Lately I have been watching Louie Giglio's sermons online from Passion City Church. (You can follow this link and do the same, if you'd like.)

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Today, I watched called "More Than Enough". It caught my eye I think because I have always struggled with feelings of inadequacy. I have a deep-rooted fear that I am not 'smart enough' and therefore I won't fulfill my dream of becoming a psychologist. I am always afraid I am not 'pretty enough', and therefore can't measure up to my husband's (and others') expectations. Even now as I write this, I can hardly believe the amount of fears I have that center around insufficiency.
I am not
'a good enough person'
'a good enough Christian'
'a good enough mom'
'a good enough friend'
'a good enough wife'

These insecurities eat me alive. They inject their poison into my heart, leaving me defeated, afraid, and alone before I even get started. How can I ever make a difference in anyone's life when I am so clearly lacking in every way? The answer is simple, but it is solid as stone and a thousand times as resilient.

HE is more than enough.

The proof is in John chapter six. He takes a little boy's lunch and feeds 5,000, with food to spare. He walked on water in the middle of a storm to meet his disciples. When challenged to produce something more miraculous than the manna that fell from Heaven every day for 40 years to feed the Israelites, He says that HE is the Bread of Life. Manna could not be kept over night because it would spoil, but Jesus says anyone who comes to him will no longer hunger or thirst.
Why? Because HE is enough, HE satisfies, He is the Bread of Life. When the people asked how they could receive the Bread of Life, he replied, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent".

If your life is like mine, then you are constantly plagued with fear and mistrust. Fear says "you cannot go that far or believe that much". It laughs in your face and tells you "you can NEVER do that. you are nothing!"

But Jesus says, "Yes, you can."
Yes, I can. Why? Because although I am inadequate, He is more than adequate, and when the storm of my insecurities rage and whirl around me, and I think I am about to be swallowed up, Jesus is there in the midst of it all, walking over it, using those challenges as if they were a pathway straight to me.
He meets us where we are.
He satisfies. And when he shows up in my mess and muck, he fills that void within me and makes me enough because HE is ENOUGH.

Romans 11:36 says, "For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen."

All things come from God, He holds the world in his hands, and all things will return to Him in the end. He IS enough. God is so much bigger than our problems and our fears.

I love the terminology that comes from the movie, "Alice in Wonderland". When Alice returns to (Underland) there is confusion about who she really is. When she tells them that she is Alice, The Mad Hatter tells her that she has "lost her muchness." He goes on to say that she "used to be much more muchier than this". I can identify with this. I often feel like I have lost my muchness. When I let problems and fears work their way into my heart. But I have come to realize that my muchness does not come from other people, companies, universities...etc. My muchness comes from the Holy One of God, and he gives much more muchness than I could ever imagine!

So today, I cling to his promise. I believe in him with all my heart, and I believe that today, He is enough for me, and through him I can do anything. No fear is too much, no problem is too big, because He. Is. Enough.

You Say You Want a Resolution..

It is a beautiful start to 2012! I am so excited for what this year holds. I don't typically formally make New Year's resolutions, but I was giving the subject a lot of thought this morning. I made a list of six things I'd like to achieve (with God's grace, because I will need LOTS of help!).
(Note: These are not in any particular order, all are equally important to me!)

1. BE MORE AWARE OF NOT ONLY WHAT GOES INTO MY BODY, BUT WHAT GOES INTO MY MIND AND HEART AS WELL.
"Junk in, junk out"- that's what I've always been told, and it is so true. I took a little break from watching what I eat over the holidays and I completely indulged myself. My goal was to just enjoy food and family, but at times, I digressed into an all-out binge on junk food. And let me tell you, I felt like total crap the next day! I think this principle applies to what goes into my mind and heart too. I want to have healthy positive thoughts, so that I can offer the same to others I talk to. I want to embrace truth, love, hope, and joy in my heart, so I can pour that out onto everyone I meet. This goal is about being healthy and happy in every way I can, as far as I have control. For me, this means no more pity parties, trashy tv shows, or pointing out every flaw I find in myself. Instead, I want to gracefully accept my failures and try harder, read more books that enrich my mind and soul, and embrace who I am, just how I am : an imperfect person on a long journey.

2. BE JOYFUL, ALWAYS.
For a self-proclaimed worry-wart like me, this is a toughy. But my goal for this year is to be as joyful as possible, as much as possible. Life is so rich and has so much to offer. I want to look deep into every situation and find that lovely, silvery lining within. If "life is too short to be anything but happy", then it is WAYYYY too short to be anything but joyful. So when Luke dumps food all over my nice, clean floor, I want be joyful and glad that I can provide my son with food, and that I even have a floor of a house to clean! Being pessimistic does no good, and it only makes situations worse. So, this year, I will choose to be more joyful.

3. GIVE OTHERS THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
This is something I constantly struggle with, because I can be a really critical person sometimes. My road rage is out of this world. I always assume the other person is driving recklessly to deliberately hurt me! (how ridiculous is that??) I tend to assume others only have the worst intentions. This needs to change! I want to give others the benefit of the doubt, to be an advocate for positive human nature, and be more forgiving and even tempered as a result.

4. GAIN WISDOM.
It is my life's goal to be a wise person. But I feel like the more I search for it, the more I realize I have to learn. I want wisdom from it's very source- the mouth of God. So it is my goal this year to "seek wisdom as silver, search for her as for hidden treasures" (Proverbs 2:4) I want a thirst and hunger for wisdom, so that I can gain discernment and make godly choices this year.

5. ACCEPT THAT THINGS WON'T ALWAYS MEET MY EXPECTATIONS, OR, JUST GO WITH IT!
At times, my expectations exceed the realm of possibility, especially if I put special effort into making sure everything is perfect! I try to plan the perfect vacations, make perfect grades, and have everything in impeccable working order. Nine times out of ten, something always goes wrong (thanks a lot Murphy). I usually get so upset and it ruins the entire experience for me, but I hope that will change this year. I need to learn to just go with it. I need to be more flexible! Just because it rains one day on vacation, I shouldn't let that steal the fun from the whole trip! I think this goes back to the joy thing. I want to be joyful even when things aren't perfect, because they never will be! It's the 10 mins of bliss here, and hour there, that add up to make life beautiful. I want to find those and hold on to them instead of the times things didn't go according to plan.

6. HAVE FAITH AS BIG AS A MUSTARD SEED.
This is a biggie for me because faith involves trust. And if you have known me for more than a second, you know I have some serious trust issues. But God never falters, and he never lets me down, but yet, my faith is microscopic or non-existent at times. Faith is a lifeline; a rope that carries us through life as long as we cling to it. In times of despair, the rope looks thin and miniscule, but it is still as strong as twenty ropes woven together. I think this is what Jesus meant when he told us we only need faith as big as a mustard seed to move mountains. For that little bit of faith to accomplish such a feat it must be some highly concentrated stuff!!! So my goal for this year is to let go of my doubts and cling to faith at all times, knowing no matter how small the tether may seem, it is strong enough to carry me through.

So there you have it. My list of resolutions to bring me closer to God, family, friends, community, and myself! I know none of these will be easily obtained, but that makes them all the more worth while. Happy New Year, may you be blessed in 2012!

:)

Why We Need Christmas

As the month of December approached this year (with what seems like the quickest pace I have ever seen) I became more and more excited about Christmas. I really do love Christmas time and all the joy and fun it brings for my family and I. But in the height of my Christmas spirit, tragedy struck. A family member died and was buried this past Monday, and I received the news of a very sudden death in our church family. My heart is heavy with sympathy and pain for each family. They now have to face Christmas day engulfed in sorrow and the shock of loss. Words tend to fail me in times like this. When I can't even fathom what is happening in someone's heart. But I began to read some of the Psalms of David. King David was a man who truly faced it all, in my opinion. He had been on top of the world, to the festering,stagnant ponds of the very bottom of the Earth (metaphorically). Here are some of the verses I came across:
"I love you, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and
my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom
I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn
of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to
the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am
saved from my enemies. The cords of death
entangled me; the torrents of destruction
overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled
around me; the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried
to my God for help. From his temple he heard my
voice; my cry came before him, into his ears."
Psalm 18:1-6

"He reached down from on high and took hold of
me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from
my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong
for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into
a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted
in me." 16-19

From David's words, I conclude that darkness and despair are nothing new. Since the fall, mankind has had to endure trials and suffering. There are some moments in life that are so dark they take our breath and stop us in our tracks. The darkness engulfs us with it's suffocating density and it makes us blind with fear. God understood the pain we would encounter, and out of love for us he gives us the greatest gift of all: The Light of The World, and the hope he brings. You see, God knew we needed Christmas. We were broken and blind, and we desperately needed rescue. He sent an ever-present light into our darkness.

"I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." John 12:46

Christmas time reminds me of the hope I have in Him. No matter how dark things get in life, He will be there to bring us through. He gives us courage, strength, and peace in our times of trouble, and he brings us hope for a better day, a new beginning. In life there will always be times of darkness and pain, but our hope is in the ever-present flame that perseveres, reminding us that in Him, we too can persevere and overcome the darkness in our lives with the light burning within us.

Merry Christmas