The Most Beautiful Thing In All The World

There is one quality that I want to possess more than anything else. I want to be real. I want honesty to seep from my pores. I want to walk and talk in absolute truth. So I'm going to be really honest for a minute and tell you that I am a total liar. I'm not saying I tell many "bold face lies", but I am dishonest in that I conceal a lot of things about myself. For instance, sometimes I really hate admitting I am a Christian. In certain company, I rarely talk about it or bring it up. Why? I am ashamed. I'm not ashamed of believing in God, and this isn't one of those "deny me and you will burn in hell, so re-post this as your status" type thing. I am ashamed of the way I behave. My mouth does not coincide with my body most of the time. I can be rude and jealous. I have a quick temper and an even quicker response rate, which usually gets me into lots of trouble. I have a sharp tongue and I use it against people I know and love. I can swear like a sailor when the mood strikes. I can be very selfish and judgmental. I'm not saying all this to be down on myself or have a pity party. I just want to be honest about the perplexing paradox that is me. I am a Christian, but I do not have it all figured out. Not even a little bit. I want that to be crystal clear, because my biggest fear is deterring someone away from Jesus because my actions are not lining up with my words. I fall to pieces when I hear the words "Oh, I thought she was a good Christian, guess not." I never want to be that girl. So sometimes it is easier for me to pretend that I don't have a relationship with a 2,000 year old man who died for me and rose again. But, again, that makes me a liar, and like I said, I want to be truthful. So here is my monumental dose of truth for the day- I deserve nothing, but I have been given everything. Jesus sees the dark recesses of my heart. He knows every fault and every flaw. I know I'm far from perfect, but I really do believe that Jesus died for me, and I do believe he talks to me, and uses me to reach others. I have a lot of short-comings, but I have a good heart and I want to do better, and that is what God is concerned with. I could never, ever, earn His mercy on my own merit, thankfully he gives it freely with out reservation. I think grace is the most beautiful thing in all the world. I am completely imperfect, but loved perfectly. How sweet is that? So, my point is, I am going to try and be completely honest and reconcile the two parts of my being that I have been fighting so hard to separate. If my actions or words have offended you or deterred you, I am deeply and truly sorry. Please forgive me. I am trying to reflect His hope, love, and grace, but I have a long way to go. Please bear with me as I am ever the work in progress.