I have so many things I want to say in this post, because so much has happened over the last year. I'm going to do my best to stay on topic and make my thoughts some-what sequential, but if I do venture down a rabbit hole, please remember this is an Alice you're dealing with, and we are forever prone to chasing rabbits and marveling at white roses painted red.
First, I want to say with absolute assurance that God is in the business of making something out of nothing. Let me try that again...
HE MAKES SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING! That is the power and presence of God. If that statement doesn't overwhelm you, I don't know what will. No one else who has ever existed or will ever exist can do that. I know this, because it is what he did for the Israelites, for the dry bones, and for me.
God has lavishly blessed me and I don't deserve one iota of it. He doesn't give up on me when I do deserve to be left in my own pride and selfishness. Over the past year, I have had a lot of grief, stress, and anxiety because I did not trust him. Plain and simple. I think about how differently this year would have been if I had chosen to trust. So many tears and sleepless nights and arguments would not have existed.
There were things in my life that worried me:
1. I was told that I would never be a good counselor by someone I looked up to, and it crushed my confidence completely.
2. Our daughter had a medical condition that had her life-flighted and admitted to a hospital for a few days.
3. We were faced with an astronomical amount of medical bills from the birth of our daughter and her hospital stays.
4. I graduated with no job offers, was turned down by 9 different interviewing schools, and we needed an extra income.
However, before any of those things happened, God spoke to my heart in January of 2013. Here's what he said,
"I am preparing a place (job) in Fayette county, even now."
"I will not forget you or fail you. I will see the work through until the end."
"I will see you through the darkness and into my light."
"I have seen your heart and know you. I will lead you where you ought to go and show you what is to be."
"You are mine and I am yours. I have called you by name."
I believe he told me those things to prepare me for what was to come. There were some dark days, where my heart and mind were clouded by pain, confusion, and fear. There were days where I felt like nothing, like I was forgotten and a failure. There were days where I felt misunderstood and didn't know if I'd ever get out of that rut. Thankfully, he did not forget me, and he did not fail me. He did pull me out of that darkness, and slowly, one by one, each surmounting problem fell before us.
1. I had an amazing internship experience after the terrible one, and the counselors there helped me regain confidence and strength. I realized my worth is not determined by a person, but by the purpose placed in my heart by God himself.
2. My daughter was diagnosed with severe acid reflux and cleared of serious medical issues.
3. The insurance company made a mistake in processing our claim, and ended up paying a HUGE majority of the bills we were looking at, and we were able to pay off everything we owed.
4. After working SO hard to become marketable and get a job; after hours of poring over my resume, researching schools, buying professional clothes, etc....a job offer fell in my lap when I least expected it. I didn't even have a formal interview. There was nothing, nothing, nothing, then all of a sudden, something. SOMETHING. And it's in Fayette county. And the person who hired me had just moved here about that time in 2013.
When I look back on the past year and I think of all the closed doors, I no longer wonder what was behind them. Oh how I long for the faith that affords me that attitude when the doors first shut and I am still standing in nothingness! I'm not there yet, but I'm a little closer. Closed doors often bring pain, but it is not pain without a purpose. He is good. Always. Even when there is pain. He makes things out of nothing, because he can see into the deepest voids in our hearts and cause the ethereal explosion of life, breath, and hope.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Thursday, December 12, 2013
The Big Reveal
For those of you who know me, you know I do not do well with surprises. I am notorious in my family for trying to peek into gift bags at Christmastime. Everyone knows to put my gifts in boxes, all sealed and wrapped up tight, otherwise, I will sneak in and peek!
After I found out I was pregnant, my sister-in-law approached me with the idea of throwing a gender reveal party for my husband and I. Although it sounded like fun, (and I did agree to it) I wasn't so sure about the catch: I couldn't know the sex of my baby until it was revealed at the party.
You see, I like to know what is coming at all times. I am the person who meticulously plans my life out, leaving no detail to chance.
I can't tell you how many times I have prayed the prayer "God, reveal what you have for me".
I just want to know. No surprises, God, just tell me what is up.
Fortunately, and also rather unfortunately sometimes, that is not the way God works.
At the beginning of this year, I really felt God telling me that this will be "the year of faith for me", and boy, was it. In fact, it still is. I have always had an issue with faith; with trusting my fate to God. I would do really well for awhile, but when things started looking rocky, I quickly take that control back over my life, saying, "that's not really where I planned to go, God, but thanks anyway".
Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)
But God......I just want a little peek! Come on, just one won't hurt. You say things will be ok, but I want to KNOW they will. I need to, you know how I am! I have to know.....and could you hurry up please? I have things to do.
Well, thank God I do not have as much control as I think I should, or I would miss out on something great.
I had a specific plan for my life this year. I was going to get pregnant, do my internship, graduate in December, and get a job...all before January 1st. Well...that plan didn't happen. It took us a little longer to get pregnant that what I originally anticipated, and after a very difficult four months, my graduation has been pushed back to May 2014. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn't disappointed, and even devastated at times.
Why. God, Why? It was all planned out so perfectly. What was so wrong with my plan?
The answer: my plan wasn't His. You see, God had a plan all along for me. He took the time to carefully orchestrate it and see that it was carried out, and if I would have had things the way I planned, I would miss out on something wonderful....something far better that I could ever imagine...I would miss THE BIG REVEAL. Just like at the gender reveal party, the moment I got to tear into that box and get my first glimpse of pink balloons was far sweeter than I could have ever devised. It was beautiful and perfect. That moment was far better than anything I could have anticipated, and it is the same with God's purposes. I can't always understand why the path I am traveling takes unexpected twists and turns, but I can KNOW without a doubt at all, that God is in it and through it. I can know that even though I cannot see the end of the road or the final outcome of a situation, that His big reveal is immeasurably more than I could ever ask for or imagine.
So today, instead of mourning my lost plan, I will rejoice in His. I will hold on to the hope I profess, because I am sure that big reveal is coming for me. I will be joyful for others whose big reveals are coming to pass now, and I will stay vigilant in prayer for those whose big reveals are yet to come like mine.
My best advice to anyone going through something tough: hold onto hope. Not everything always makes sense, and sometimes life hurts, but we serve a God who makes things out of nothing; who makes all things work together for our good. Just wait, your big reveal is coming, as is mine, and what a glorious day that will be!
After I found out I was pregnant, my sister-in-law approached me with the idea of throwing a gender reveal party for my husband and I. Although it sounded like fun, (and I did agree to it) I wasn't so sure about the catch: I couldn't know the sex of my baby until it was revealed at the party.
You see, I like to know what is coming at all times. I am the person who meticulously plans my life out, leaving no detail to chance.
I can't tell you how many times I have prayed the prayer "God, reveal what you have for me".
I just want to know. No surprises, God, just tell me what is up.
Fortunately, and also rather unfortunately sometimes, that is not the way God works.
At the beginning of this year, I really felt God telling me that this will be "the year of faith for me", and boy, was it. In fact, it still is. I have always had an issue with faith; with trusting my fate to God. I would do really well for awhile, but when things started looking rocky, I quickly take that control back over my life, saying, "that's not really where I planned to go, God, but thanks anyway".
Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)
But God......I just want a little peek! Come on, just one won't hurt. You say things will be ok, but I want to KNOW they will. I need to, you know how I am! I have to know.....and could you hurry up please? I have things to do.
Well, thank God I do not have as much control as I think I should, or I would miss out on something great.
I had a specific plan for my life this year. I was going to get pregnant, do my internship, graduate in December, and get a job...all before January 1st. Well...that plan didn't happen. It took us a little longer to get pregnant that what I originally anticipated, and after a very difficult four months, my graduation has been pushed back to May 2014. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn't disappointed, and even devastated at times.
Why. God, Why? It was all planned out so perfectly. What was so wrong with my plan?
The answer: my plan wasn't His. You see, God had a plan all along for me. He took the time to carefully orchestrate it and see that it was carried out, and if I would have had things the way I planned, I would miss out on something wonderful....something far better that I could ever imagine...I would miss THE BIG REVEAL. Just like at the gender reveal party, the moment I got to tear into that box and get my first glimpse of pink balloons was far sweeter than I could have ever devised. It was beautiful and perfect. That moment was far better than anything I could have anticipated, and it is the same with God's purposes. I can't always understand why the path I am traveling takes unexpected twists and turns, but I can KNOW without a doubt at all, that God is in it and through it. I can know that even though I cannot see the end of the road or the final outcome of a situation, that His big reveal is immeasurably more than I could ever ask for or imagine.
So today, instead of mourning my lost plan, I will rejoice in His. I will hold on to the hope I profess, because I am sure that big reveal is coming for me. I will be joyful for others whose big reveals are coming to pass now, and I will stay vigilant in prayer for those whose big reveals are yet to come like mine.
My best advice to anyone going through something tough: hold onto hope. Not everything always makes sense, and sometimes life hurts, but we serve a God who makes things out of nothing; who makes all things work together for our good. Just wait, your big reveal is coming, as is mine, and what a glorious day that will be!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
A Letter to Luke
Below is an excerpt from the journal I am keeping for my son Luke. I wrote this in the face of some disappointments I am dealing with right now. They seem petty in the big scheme of things, but they are deeply affecting my own concept of worth and competence. The words flowed onto the page after a particularly needed and uplifting talk with my Granddaddy. He offered his perspective and loving advice, both of which come from years of experience and wisdom. So the following is a culmination of his advice, my words, and God's truth. I want these words to reach Luke in the future, when he feels like he is in the darkest of places. I wrote it to encourage him, but to also encourage myself. Everything detailed here is what I am trying to wrap my head and heart around now too.
June 22, 2013
The purpose of this journal is to not only document how you are growing up, but to also record the ways in which I am growing up too. Because one day Luke, you will be at the place in your life where I am now. You see, growing up can be painful. Sometimes it's so painful that you cannot see anything but your own pain and disappointment. Every emotion is so overwhelming; you may think they will never pass, but my darling boy, it will. You may need someone to remind you of that from time to time (and that's okay). God puts people in our lives for a reason. He allows them to go through rough patches, not because he is unfair or uncaring, but because these trials produce a wellspring of character and experience. Being an adult is hard, Luke. This is something you will discover all too soon. It is a series of successes and disappointments; holding on and letting go; pure joy and debilitating pain. The key is to trust. Trust God. He holds the universe and time in his hands. He sees you and knows you intimately. Trust him with reckless abandon. Sometimes letting go is the only way to stay afloat. Sometimes it's so hard to see his purposes, especially when we hurt so very much. But you must have faith, even when you can't understand, and keep hope, even when you cannot see, because the light WILL come. The pain will pass, and you will know a strength like you've never known before, because it is God who is using your weakness to show his strength. Hold on, my love, this too will pass. Joy will come in the morning. Don't give up hope, keep fighting the good fight. And wen you find yourself in the position I am now, remember me. Your mother, with all her faults, failures, and fears came through. Not because of her own strength, but because of HIS.
I love you, my son.
Mom
June 22, 2013
The purpose of this journal is to not only document how you are growing up, but to also record the ways in which I am growing up too. Because one day Luke, you will be at the place in your life where I am now. You see, growing up can be painful. Sometimes it's so painful that you cannot see anything but your own pain and disappointment. Every emotion is so overwhelming; you may think they will never pass, but my darling boy, it will. You may need someone to remind you of that from time to time (and that's okay). God puts people in our lives for a reason. He allows them to go through rough patches, not because he is unfair or uncaring, but because these trials produce a wellspring of character and experience. Being an adult is hard, Luke. This is something you will discover all too soon. It is a series of successes and disappointments; holding on and letting go; pure joy and debilitating pain. The key is to trust. Trust God. He holds the universe and time in his hands. He sees you and knows you intimately. Trust him with reckless abandon. Sometimes letting go is the only way to stay afloat. Sometimes it's so hard to see his purposes, especially when we hurt so very much. But you must have faith, even when you can't understand, and keep hope, even when you cannot see, because the light WILL come. The pain will pass, and you will know a strength like you've never known before, because it is God who is using your weakness to show his strength. Hold on, my love, this too will pass. Joy will come in the morning. Don't give up hope, keep fighting the good fight. And wen you find yourself in the position I am now, remember me. Your mother, with all her faults, failures, and fears came through. Not because of her own strength, but because of HIS.
I love you, my son.
Mom
Thursday, January 17, 2013
2013: The Year of Faith
I am writing this post today because I feel God really wants to teach me something about Faith this year. I have heard it clearly in my heart: '2013 is the year of faith for you'. I have a hard time with faith. For me, it is easy to have faith for a little while, but if I don't see what I am waiting for pretty soon, I get discouraged and start to doubt God even said it in the first place. Over the past few months, God has said two or three very direct things that will come to pass in my life. The problem is, I haven't seen them come to fruition yet, and I am wondering if I just imagined all of it. In those times of doubt, there is a small voice within me that says these truths:
His sheep know the voice of the Shepherd.
He makes all things work together for my good.
Peace is the presence of God.
Faith is believing God is present when all we hear is silence.
When I think about what God wants for me right now, I see the image of an old oak tree: tall and strong, with roots reaching deep into the earth. It is not moved by storms or drought, instead it reaches deeper with it's roots. It searches and finds the nourishment it needs. That image leads me back to this passage in Isaiah 61 (which is titled in my Bible "The Year of the Lord's Favor")
" The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
This passage reminds me that Jesus is the great and wise Counselor. He touches the broken hearts and brings healing, comfort, and joy. His gospel is of love and peace. I am an Oak of Righteousness, planted by God to display his splendor. Right now, my roots are not as deep as they should be, and when I see signs of a coming storm, I quake in fear. But this year I am proclaiming it as the year of the Lord's favor in my life. I will heed his words and instruction and reach deep for the well of the living water. I want to be able to stand against the injustice and evil in this world. I want to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. I want my life to be a tapestry of faith, woven with both joy and pain, with the threads of peace and perseverance, so when it is complete and my time is done, it will display the majesty and splendor of my God. It won't be easy, and I am very far from perfect (any of my family can surely attest to that). But nevertheless, I hear my Shepard loud and clear, and I will follow him, even though I do not know exactly what the path may hold for me. That is where faith comes in- knowing he is with me no matter how treacherous or empty the road may seem, and having peace through his presence.
"So don't throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:35-39
So this will be my journey; my New Year's resolution of sorts. To put my trust in Him and let him grow me, mold me, and strengthen me- to have faith, even when I cannot see or understand, and to believe that what God has said to me will be so.
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45
Prayers are graciously appreciated in this, because, oh boy am I am worrier.
Oh, and a swearer. That needs to stop too. If I say a bad word around you, please call me on it.
Thanks! :)
His sheep know the voice of the Shepherd.
He makes all things work together for my good.
Peace is the presence of God.
Faith is believing God is present when all we hear is silence.
When I think about what God wants for me right now, I see the image of an old oak tree: tall and strong, with roots reaching deep into the earth. It is not moved by storms or drought, instead it reaches deeper with it's roots. It searches and finds the nourishment it needs. That image leads me back to this passage in Isaiah 61 (which is titled in my Bible "The Year of the Lord's Favor")
" The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
This passage reminds me that Jesus is the great and wise Counselor. He touches the broken hearts and brings healing, comfort, and joy. His gospel is of love and peace. I am an Oak of Righteousness, planted by God to display his splendor. Right now, my roots are not as deep as they should be, and when I see signs of a coming storm, I quake in fear. But this year I am proclaiming it as the year of the Lord's favor in my life. I will heed his words and instruction and reach deep for the well of the living water. I want to be able to stand against the injustice and evil in this world. I want to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. I want my life to be a tapestry of faith, woven with both joy and pain, with the threads of peace and perseverance, so when it is complete and my time is done, it will display the majesty and splendor of my God. It won't be easy, and I am very far from perfect (any of my family can surely attest to that). But nevertheless, I hear my Shepard loud and clear, and I will follow him, even though I do not know exactly what the path may hold for me. That is where faith comes in- knowing he is with me no matter how treacherous or empty the road may seem, and having peace through his presence.
"So don't throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:35-39
So this will be my journey; my New Year's resolution of sorts. To put my trust in Him and let him grow me, mold me, and strengthen me- to have faith, even when I cannot see or understand, and to believe that what God has said to me will be so.
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45
Prayers are graciously appreciated in this, because, oh boy am I am worrier.
Oh, and a swearer. That needs to stop too. If I say a bad word around you, please call me on it.
Thanks! :)
Monday, October 8, 2012
Losing Control, Gaining Faith
I am a control freak.
The end.
Wasn't that a great blog?
No, but really. I feel like I have to control as much of my life as humanly possible, and that includes the people in it. I constantly inflict my will upon others (sometimes when they don't even know it). I don't do this to be mean or manipulative on purpose. I promise! I deeply love everyone in my life, which is why I do it. I read Donald Miller's blog today entitled "In Life Move Through the Fear Rather Than Around it".
You can read it here.
He pointed out something that I should have known all along...fear is the motivator for control in my life. I am constantly afraid of so many things. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, 100+ fears cross my mind.
What if Luke gets hurt?
What if Michael does not love me anymore?
What if I get in a car wreck?
It is exhausting being scared all the time. It zaps my faith and makes me withdraw my trust. I trust no one. In my mind, suddenly everyone and everything I love transforms into someone or something that could potentially hurt me.
But Mr. Miller suggested something revolutionary- move through the fear, instead of around it.
No longer should I tiptoe around trying to avoid everything that could hurt me. I should stop trying to control people and situations in my life because as DM says, "Control will always backfire later".
He goes on to say that truly strong people can admit their fears, while scaredy cats just cover their fears up and fake their way through. That is no way to live at all, and it is not how I want to live.
So, in lieu of my new found enlightenment, here is a comprehensive list of all the fears I can think of that have crossed my mind today.
I am afraid of....
losing someone I love
having a miscarriage on our second baby (in the future, there is not one in there now, so don't get excited yet)
Michael cheating or leaving me
not having any friends
getting terminally ill
being paralyzed
not finding a job
sucking at my chosen job
not being a good enough mom
my brothers getting hurt when they join the military
burglars
getting raped
someone hurting Luke
dying in a horrific car wreck
getting pulled over by a cop (yes, I am terrified of police)
failing at anything
being stupid
snakes
getting divorced
pushing Michael away with my craziness
what people think of me
Michael losing his job
our house catching on fire
I have been up since 6:30, and these are the things that have crossed my mind since then. Toting all of these around all day is really crippling, and covering them up with controlling behaviors is even more so. When I try to control my life, I end up pushing people away and isolating myself. I desperately long for connection and friendship, but I always keep myself guarded. I know the freedom that comes with truth and vulnerability, but for some reason I cannot always relinquish my control.
I don't want to be afraid anymore and I want to live my life. I want peace, and love, and joy. Life will always have it's peaks and valleys. There is nothing I can do about that. But what I can do, is admit my fears, trust, and stop being afraid all the time. Fear has robbed me of so much joy, and if it continues, I will not have truly lived at all. So, if you are in the same boat (and are constantly wondering if may not have a leak in it, omg) then I want to encourage you to wade through your fears as I begin to wade through mine. It may be tough, but it is the shortest way through, and it makes all the difference in the world.
The end.
Wasn't that a great blog?
No, but really. I feel like I have to control as much of my life as humanly possible, and that includes the people in it. I constantly inflict my will upon others (sometimes when they don't even know it). I don't do this to be mean or manipulative on purpose. I promise! I deeply love everyone in my life, which is why I do it. I read Donald Miller's blog today entitled "In Life Move Through the Fear Rather Than Around it".
You can read it here.
He pointed out something that I should have known all along...fear is the motivator for control in my life. I am constantly afraid of so many things. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, 100+ fears cross my mind.
What if Luke gets hurt?
What if Michael does not love me anymore?
What if I get in a car wreck?
It is exhausting being scared all the time. It zaps my faith and makes me withdraw my trust. I trust no one. In my mind, suddenly everyone and everything I love transforms into someone or something that could potentially hurt me.
But Mr. Miller suggested something revolutionary- move through the fear, instead of around it.
No longer should I tiptoe around trying to avoid everything that could hurt me. I should stop trying to control people and situations in my life because as DM says, "Control will always backfire later".
He goes on to say that truly strong people can admit their fears, while scaredy cats just cover their fears up and fake their way through. That is no way to live at all, and it is not how I want to live.
So, in lieu of my new found enlightenment, here is a comprehensive list of all the fears I can think of that have crossed my mind today.
I am afraid of....
losing someone I love
having a miscarriage on our second baby (in the future, there is not one in there now, so don't get excited yet)
Michael cheating or leaving me
not having any friends
getting terminally ill
being paralyzed
not finding a job
sucking at my chosen job
not being a good enough mom
my brothers getting hurt when they join the military
burglars
getting raped
someone hurting Luke
dying in a horrific car wreck
getting pulled over by a cop (yes, I am terrified of police)
failing at anything
being stupid
snakes
getting divorced
pushing Michael away with my craziness
what people think of me
Michael losing his job
our house catching on fire
I have been up since 6:30, and these are the things that have crossed my mind since then. Toting all of these around all day is really crippling, and covering them up with controlling behaviors is even more so. When I try to control my life, I end up pushing people away and isolating myself. I desperately long for connection and friendship, but I always keep myself guarded. I know the freedom that comes with truth and vulnerability, but for some reason I cannot always relinquish my control.
“We are a culture that hides our fears, and when people hide
their fears, they don’t connect. And so we shoot ourselves in the foot because
what we most want is security and security comes through connection.” –Donald Miller
I don't want to be afraid anymore and I want to live my life. I want peace, and love, and joy. Life will always have it's peaks and valleys. There is nothing I can do about that. But what I can do, is admit my fears, trust, and stop being afraid all the time. Fear has robbed me of so much joy, and if it continues, I will not have truly lived at all. So, if you are in the same boat (and are constantly wondering if may not have a leak in it, omg) then I want to encourage you to wade through your fears as I begin to wade through mine. It may be tough, but it is the shortest way through, and it makes all the difference in the world.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Walk Like an Ephesian
Shamefully, I must admit I have done it again. I've ran back to that filthy old ratty beanbag chair that is my old self. No wonder I feel so miserable and crabby lately. How do I always get back here? I have snuggled deep down into my selfishness, anger, insecurity, and cynicism. I've picked up the dirty blanket of old habits and covered myself up. I am once again, easily frustrated, doubtful, and swearing like a sailor. Seriously, how did I get back here? I am supposed to be a child of light, so why am I now suddenly singing "Hello darkness, my old friend"? I get so disgusted with myself when this happens. I fall off the wagon. Some how living according to the will of God has become to scary and I retreat like a wounded animal, full of mistrust. The problem is that it all starts with a tiny little concession. Then another. Then another. Finally, I am spiraling downward at an alarming pace, rendering me ineffective for God and totally miserable as a human being. So how do I put an end to this spiritual 'Dr. Jekyll, Mrs. Hyde charade? I'm going to start living out Ephesians 4-5. There is so much wisdom on living a godly life in those two chapters. This morning, I broke down the two chapters into "life lessons for walking like an Ephesian should". Here is some of what I got:
1.Live a life worthy of your calling
2. Be humble, gentle, and patient, regarding one another with love.
3.Put off your old self and adopt a new self and a new godly attitude (BIG for me)
4.Take your place among the body of Christ
5.Get rid of all anger and bitterness, greed, obscenity, and brawling (AGAIN ME)
6.Build others up, don't tear them down, and don't talk about people
7.Don't let Satan get a grip
8.Replace obscenities and dirty jokes with words of praise and thanksgiving
9. Live wisely, making the most out of every opportunity
10. Discover God's will and stick to it
11. Let your heart always sing and be joyful with praises to God: worship with your life
12. Do not steal, but work hard so you can give to others in need
These are hard things to do, but with God's grace, I can slowly start up the mountain again and continue. Forward motion is such a hard thing to maintain on my own. As soon as I start climbing, I listen to that voice that says, "It is too risky to keep going" instead of clinging harder to my Lifeline, the Lover of my Soul, who saw me and knew me before my birth, and who's mercy gives me each breath I take.
So here I go again, thankful that God is one of second chances (and 4ths and 5ths), taking it day by day. It won't be easy, but nothing worth anything in life ever is.
Today, I will trust in you, Jesus. Today, I will walk like an Ephesian. I won't tear anyone down, but lift them up instead. I won't lash out in anger, but react in love. I will keep my tongue and heart in check, and do my best to live my life worthy of what you have for me to do. Please give me the grace and strength to follow you, even when I become afraid.
"Jesus, purify me in your fire.
Burn me up, til I can see.
Jesus, purify me in your fire.
Burn me up, til I believe."
-David Crowder Band
1.Live a life worthy of your calling
2. Be humble, gentle, and patient, regarding one another with love.
3.Put off your old self and adopt a new self and a new godly attitude (BIG for me)
4.Take your place among the body of Christ
5.Get rid of all anger and bitterness, greed, obscenity, and brawling (AGAIN ME)
6.Build others up, don't tear them down, and don't talk about people
7.Don't let Satan get a grip
8.Replace obscenities and dirty jokes with words of praise and thanksgiving
9. Live wisely, making the most out of every opportunity
10. Discover God's will and stick to it
11. Let your heart always sing and be joyful with praises to God: worship with your life
12. Do not steal, but work hard so you can give to others in need
These are hard things to do, but with God's grace, I can slowly start up the mountain again and continue. Forward motion is such a hard thing to maintain on my own. As soon as I start climbing, I listen to that voice that says, "It is too risky to keep going" instead of clinging harder to my Lifeline, the Lover of my Soul, who saw me and knew me before my birth, and who's mercy gives me each breath I take.
So here I go again, thankful that God is one of second chances (and 4ths and 5ths), taking it day by day. It won't be easy, but nothing worth anything in life ever is.
Today, I will trust in you, Jesus. Today, I will walk like an Ephesian. I won't tear anyone down, but lift them up instead. I won't lash out in anger, but react in love. I will keep my tongue and heart in check, and do my best to live my life worthy of what you have for me to do. Please give me the grace and strength to follow you, even when I become afraid.
"Jesus, purify me in your fire.
Burn me up, til I can see.
Jesus, purify me in your fire.
Burn me up, til I believe."
-David Crowder Band
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Diverging Roads and Everlasting Arms
Counselors and advisers often ask the question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I think it is supposed to give some sort of idea about the goals we have for ourselves, but it is such a loaded question, isn't it? Does it REALLY matter where I see myself? If you had come to me at 18 and asked, "Where do you see yourself this time next year?" The answer would NOT have been, "Oh, I'll be married of course!" But that's what happened. Likewise, I wouldn't have been able to tell you where I'd be living or how many children I would have by now. The thing is- I am pretty stinking clueless about what the future holds! Yes, I do have some goals that I am working toward, and ideally I would like to meet those within a five year period or so, but really, when it comes down to it, I have no definite plan....and that scares me! I do not like to be sans plans! I want to know what's around the river bend, Pocahontas!
But I don't, and there is nothing I can do about it. Well...I guess that's a lie. I COULD worry. I COULD freak out. I COULD spout off the admissions statistics for PhD programs, or look at the sad state of our country and make some predictions. OR... I can trust in my God, my Best Friend, who created me and the path I walk. Yes, that seems like the best option. Right now, I am at such a crossroads in my life. I am not really sure which way will lead me to where, but I know He holds the future. He has brought me this far, and he will carry me the rest of the way if I trust him.
I was reading Luke 1 the other day and I came across this beautiful gem from Elizabeth speaking to Mary about the impending birth of Jesus-
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45
Can I just say AMEN?! I LOVE that! Blessed is she who really believes and trusts what God has said to her. I want to be that she! I want to be that beloved daughter of the Most High who truly and completely believes her God when he tells her of the plans He has for her life! I want there to be no room for doubt, fear, or scary statistics, because I want my heart to overflow with trust and love for my Creator.
"For I know the plans I have for you; declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Most of us have heard that verse over and over, but do we REALLY believe it? Do I really believe it? Yes. Yes! I do. I choose to believe what the Lord has said to me will be accomplished. He has said clearly to me that I am to be a counselor, and I trust that He will see me down this path, no matter what it looks like. His plans are so much higher than our own, and if we are obedient, we will see them to fruition and it will be so much better than we could ever imagine!
I leave you with two lyrics from two of my favorite hymns that solidify this idea in my soul-
"Oh, how sweet to walk in the pilgrim way,
Leaning on the everlasting arms,
Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
Leaning on the everlasting arms"
- Leaning On The Everlasting Arms
"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word,
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, thus saith the Lord"
-Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus
But I don't, and there is nothing I can do about it. Well...I guess that's a lie. I COULD worry. I COULD freak out. I COULD spout off the admissions statistics for PhD programs, or look at the sad state of our country and make some predictions. OR... I can trust in my God, my Best Friend, who created me and the path I walk. Yes, that seems like the best option. Right now, I am at such a crossroads in my life. I am not really sure which way will lead me to where, but I know He holds the future. He has brought me this far, and he will carry me the rest of the way if I trust him.
I was reading Luke 1 the other day and I came across this beautiful gem from Elizabeth speaking to Mary about the impending birth of Jesus-
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45
Can I just say AMEN?! I LOVE that! Blessed is she who really believes and trusts what God has said to her. I want to be that she! I want to be that beloved daughter of the Most High who truly and completely believes her God when he tells her of the plans He has for her life! I want there to be no room for doubt, fear, or scary statistics, because I want my heart to overflow with trust and love for my Creator.
"For I know the plans I have for you; declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Most of us have heard that verse over and over, but do we REALLY believe it? Do I really believe it? Yes. Yes! I do. I choose to believe what the Lord has said to me will be accomplished. He has said clearly to me that I am to be a counselor, and I trust that He will see me down this path, no matter what it looks like. His plans are so much higher than our own, and if we are obedient, we will see them to fruition and it will be so much better than we could ever imagine!
I leave you with two lyrics from two of my favorite hymns that solidify this idea in my soul-
"Oh, how sweet to walk in the pilgrim way,
Leaning on the everlasting arms,
Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
Leaning on the everlasting arms"
- Leaning On The Everlasting Arms
"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word,
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, thus saith the Lord"
-Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus
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